It stirs inside you, like restless wind looking for an open window to moan itself through. You are pacing, unable to sleep and uninterested in eating. Things are quiet, but not the good kind of quiet. More like the kind of quiet the only gets broken by the shrill scream of something in bitter anguish. The kind of silence that only gets broken by a gunshot or a sound you wish you could erase from your mind. In the air, a hint of electricity hangs like wet cloth. You don’t need to see the sky to know it’s so gray even black would envy its hue. Someone’s going to die. Someone is going to get raped. Someone is going to kill themselves. There is a tragedy dressed as one of us, and she is among us, walking, hidden. She is quietude, and she seems docile, but were you to pull her rags off, the beast revealed would bubble burning vomit up to the bottom of your throat. It would cause you to heave up your insides like poison. She is death. She is tragedy. She is the storm looming on the horizon that no one can see but you. And warning others matters little, as none will understand. There is a storm coming, and it is going to swallow everything in its wake.
I would hope that the very best of us know that some aspects of pornography are very unhealthy. That fine line between a woman having sex and a woman being victimized. Sadly, since the inception and rise in popularity of internet porn, that line between sex and violence has become increasingly blurred. And honestly, the end result is vile. It is often a young girl, just turned 18, being made to look even younger and being forced to choke down cocks until she vomits. So I know what you are thinking, as I have thought it, too: why do women get into that field? The truth is, the movie Hot Girls Wanted shows you that, in some cases, they have NO idea what is going to be asked of them, and once the horrors are revealed, it can already be too late. I was never a huge porn fan (despite what some may think), but this powerful documentary completely changed the way I feel about it altogether. Now I see it (at least this aspect of it) for just how abusive and damaging it can be. For that reason alone, I implore some of you watch Hot Girls Wanted, as it will open your eyes to what is REALLY going on behind-the-scenes in the amateur porn field. Put it this way, a lot of weeping, and those aren’t alligator tears.
So it is January 28th, 1986, and I am just a wee lad sitting in his classroom. The students are all talking to each other as my teacher roles in the classroom TV. A hush falls over all the students as we know the importance of what we are about to see. We are about to see the space shuttle Challenger launch into space, carrying teacher turned astronaut Christa Corrigan McAuliffe. This move was put in place SPECIFICALLY to get children interested in the space program again, which had waned quite a bit since the 70’s. So there we are, all quiet, watching as this massive shuttle takes off into the sky. Seconds later, you can hear whimpers as we clearly see the Challenger explode live, on TV, clearly killing everyone inside. I looked to Mrs. Nelson, and even she had nothing to say. Pale shock spreading over her face. The move that was meant to get kids into the idea of space again just traumatized every kid who was watching it. But now, be prepared to have your mind really blown, because you know who Christa Corrigan McAuliffe replaced on the Challenger crew?
Fucking Big Bird.
* Some time ago, I put a contest up on my Facebook page about someone sending me a pitch for a perfect article. This article here was the result of that. But another REMlin (shout-out to Brian Stubbs who reigns metal hell-fire on all his enemies) made a suggestion after reading how I treated the Joker. He wanted me to create the final goodbye between beloved comic strip character Calvin and Hobbes. Having been a fan of the strip for the entirety of my life, I found the idea both intriguing and lofty. Creator Bill Watterson is a god to me, so how do I take this material and treat it with the respect it deserves? My first draft essentially ended up being Toy Story 3, minus the pastel bear and incinerator. It felt flat. It didn’t feel like it did this magical duo justice, so I scrapped it and let no one know. Then, last night while wrestling with my 264th straight night of insomnia, the story came to me, visually, and left me in tears. That is when I knew I had to share it. Presenting, with all due respect to the brilliant creator of the original strip that shaped my life, the final goodbye between Calvin and Hobbes. You may want to have some tissues on hand for this one. I wrote it and even I didn’t see the ending coming. Even passed it along to a huge Calvin and Hobbes fan (and amazing writer) and asked for their input and they were floored, which was a good enough sign for me. Presenting: Calvin and Hobbes, the final goodbye.
I grew up loving zombie movies. They were my favorite sub genre of horror film. If a movie had a zombie in it, I was watching it. And for a good, long while, I was set in my thoughts that a zombie apocalypse would do this world some good. We are overpopulated, and we are run by assholes. Anyone who thinks some thinning of the ranks of this world’s population is bad idea, go look at your Facebook feed for ten minutes and it will change your mind. Thing is, zombies have become very popular over the last decade (a trend I never saw coming), and with that influx of popularity, comes more discussion and the slow spreading reality of just how shitty a zombie apocalypse would actually be. Here are 5 things that cement the fact that a zombie apocalypse would suck ass and ruin the soul.