My REMlins know I love horror. I love the escapism of it, I love the way it makes you feel better about your own life, and I like how it makes my heart hammer in my chest (thus reminding me I still have one). I went into this in-depth a few weeks ago, and I stand behind all that I said. So when Halloween time comes around, people always assume I love going to haunted attractions and local haunted houses and “extreme haunts”, and whatever else kids are calling it these days. But the reality is, I don’t. You see, I like a fine line drawn in the sand with my horror. I like that tiny twinkle of knowledge than whether I am reading it or watching it in a film or playing horror in a video game, it isn’t real. The horror is false. But there is some really creepy, weird fine-print when it comes to the new brand of horror houses and haunted attractions in the country. These places hire people they do not do background checks on. Reality is, most of these pop-up places would never have the time, as background checks can take weeks to get cleared, and they only usually are OPEN for a few weeks at a time every year. Now, do the basic math in your head. No background checks for people who will be hiding in the dark and leaping out anonymously at strangers. Does anyone see where I am going with this? Well, it’s true. This nightmarish stuff you are thinking right now has already happened, and it is exactly why I don’t fuck with these places.
So it is almost upon us, huh? Halloween. The one night a year most of us get to let our inner demons. It is also the one time a year a guy like me seems to get the most emails about “what should I watch on Halloween night?” That is a tough question to breach, though, because everyone likes different things, even when it comes to the horror genre. It is with that in mind, I decided to build you this “Halloween hit list” of 10 horror movies that I think people should check out because there is something on this list that will appeal to every kind of horror fan. Keep in mind, I have spoken in-depth about most of these movies before (click here) so these will be brief explanations or reminders why these movies would be perfect choices to watch on Halloween. Oh, and they are all on Netflix Instant (U.S) because you know Netflix is my homeboy. To my international REMlins, sorry about the U.S thing. This just happens to be where I’m planted right now.
The world is ending and we are all going to die. It may not be this exact moment, or even in a week or month, but it is happening slowly. Whether it is global warming or sexy new strains of Ebola, there is little we can do as humans to stop the bullet train of death from speeding at us. Well, there is one thing we can do. We can say “fuck it” bust out the bong and the bubbly, and just embrace the fact that we will soon just be a memory upon this planet, in the same way a shadow becomes a memory at the end of the day. I, for one, embrace the end. Not on a personal scale, but on a widespread scale. Imagine how, in that one moment, we would all be equal? We would all be scared and vulnerable, and for a moment, race and gender and class wouldn’t mean shit. For me, that is not a scary moment, but for many, it is. In thinking about the end of the world, I realized, holy shit, why have I not done an end of the world movies list for my REMlins. They have minds that are just as fucked as mine, they would love this shit! Well, here is that list. 5 amazing end of the world movies that range from sad to funny to scary. Oh, and yes, they are all on Netflix right now, as of 10/11/2014.
So as I am sure many of you know (and a few of you reminded me), this past weekend was the first weekend in decades that there were no Saturday morning cartoons in over 50 years. When I first heard this, I was filled with so much rage I am pretty sure I had steam coming out of my ears (*Saturday morning cartoon visual cue). How the fuck can such a crucial element to childhood development (that line’s rhyming scheme was not pre-planned) be suddenly rendered obsolete? Well, I have the answer to that question, as well as the reason this will all backfire and we will be stuck in a future run by people NOT raised on cartoons, meaning the tools and douchebags shall inherit the Earth. Yes, it is THAT serious. Read on and please share if you agree. We need spread the word that is pretty fucked up.
I really want to write a “so bad it’s good” horror/science fiction movie for the Syfy Network. I love horror, I love B movies, and I love the idea of satire, so the idea that perhaps, someday, I could meld those three loves in a ménage à trois is incredibly appealing to me. I also want to do something decidedly different with my hypothetical movie. I want it to be self-aware. They say recent Syfy movies (like Sharknado) are self-aware and that they are poking fun at themselves. Yes, maybe in concept alone, but not literally. So I am here to pitch the first FULLY self-aware horror-comedy hybrid for the Syfy network. It is called Space Bears, and it is exactly as awesome as it sounds. I thought rather than write out some long-winded version of the story, the best way to do this would be for me to write out my opening scene, so you can all get a literal taste of what I am talking about. I’ll tell you right now, Space Bears has the chance to be a game-changer in the right hands. The Syfy Network ARE those hands.