I had caught wind of this game awhile back when someone sent it to me in an email and told me it was freaky as hell.
Rarely do flash games scare me, so I didn’t think there was any way that could be true, but I have this odd and unnatural claustrophobia, so imagining myself trapped in a pitch black cave while something slowly kills off my friends in the dark around me is a concept that I found rather freaky.
And once I played the game through for a few minutes, and acclimated myself with the controls, I found myself being sucked in.
It is creepy and well paced, and the “dark” play mechanic that permeates most of the game is a good deal of fun, and sets up some wonderfully creepy scenarios for the player.
Anyway, shit off the lights in your room or office and give it a try.
You might be pleasantly surprised at just how freaky it actually is.
Pardon me good sir
this is me punching your face
I feel better now
Every now and then
I like to stomp on flowers
then just walk away
Headbutting a Moose
seemed like an epic idea
I regret it now
My ass is crying
from being violated
by those I trust most
* I am so angry
could fuck a decepticon
with no condom on
I just punched a dove
really liked the metaphor
Now I feel like Prince
Once upon a time
my heart was virginal pure
now it’s a raisin
I flip off nothing
and for some unknown reason
I feel much better
If my life had a
horn I would be honking the
shit out of it now
Wrap myself in meat
and go wrestle a grizzly
to see who is king
I am punching you
you yell and the fall over
and I, the victor
If life was like a
video game I would be
charging my attacks
Big brother is real
watching our indiscretions
I’ll pee on his lens
Love is a lot like
taking drugs and cliff jumping
sometimes people die
I just rode a shark
bareback in ice cold water
just to prove I could
A LOT is two words.
I hate people who use it
wrong.Those people suck.
If babies weren’t cute
I bet people wouldn’t feel
bad for kicking them
Zues is a pansy.
Anyone can throw lightning.
But who can CATCH it?
I once punched a tree
into a million toothpicks.
Had food in my teeth.
Rage isn’t funny
I undermine me with this.
Laughing through the tears.
I know, I know. I have a slight zombie obsession.
I have written about them before, and will most likely write about them again.
But everytime I do, I find something different to accentuate.
Do you see the shame on this woman’s face?
Listen, if this was something that has happened once or twice, I wouldn’t say anything about it.
But apparently, for some strange, freduian reason, Newscasters are always thinking about cock.
Is there a funnier comedian than Louis CK right now?
I am a huge fan of the late Mitch Hedberg, but outside of a few legends, CK is owning the comedy scene right now.
He has the wit of George Carlin, the balls of Bill Hicks, and a voice all his own.
He is the comedian who says what we are all thinking, but says it way cooler and funnier than any of us could.
Take for example, his personal stance on smoking pot.
The hilarity lies in just how right he is.
Anyone who smokes or has smoked in the last five years knows just how spot on he is here about herb.
The best comedians are the ones who step up and say whatever the fuck they please, with no concern about how others will view them for it.
In comedy, nothing should be sacred, nothing should be safe.
Just listen to his thought about being white. Would anyone else have the balls to say that so concisely?
With Louis CK, nothing’s sacred, and he doesn’t care what you think about it, either way.
That is what is so genius about him.
Don’t check out my site, guys, go check out his. And buy his stuff so he doesn’t sue me.
Stanley Kubrick’s film adaptation of the brilliant Anthony Burgess novel, A Clockwork Orange, is the first film that stopped me dead in my tracks.
When I see a kid eating a pack of Skittles or Starburst I laugh.
It is like buying a knockoff Monet and hanging it from your wall, thinking your guests have no idea that it is fake.
These kids are ultimately trying to trick their mouth into thinking they is eating real FRUIT, when it is actually candy.
Evil kids trying to trick their mouths.
What a tangled web we weave.
An immortal question rises in me when I think about this:
Why not just eat fruit?
I genuinely do not understand.
Don’t get me wrong here, I am pushing no secret agenda.
I am by no means hocking a pro-health lifestyle on anyone, either
I ate steak wrapped in bacon and then wrapped in another steak for dinner tonight, so know, I have no agenda.
I just find the act of eating fake fruit to be somewhat silly.
It would be like dyeing water white and trying to tell yourself you are drinking milk.
That would not work,
you would spit it out,
so why is fake fructose fruit so accepted these days?
I demand answers!
If I want a strawberry, I don’t want a gummy strawberry.
if I am in the gummy strawberry mood then so be it, but in what situation does a sugar filled, chewy, fruit shaped candy count as a reasonable substitute replacement and or stand in for actual fruit?
You are telling me you ever eaten a single fruit candy that tastes better then a FUJI APPLE?
I would contend that challenge.
If someone says yes, I do not believe them. A Fuji apple is the most divine fruit on this earth and its deliciousness can only be comparable to to the sweet nectar that would drip from a lactating angel’s teet.
There is nothing that could come in a plastic bright plastic bag that can contend with natures actual fruit making ability.
I mean, the fruit roll up is delicious, but at no point during its consumption do I think it matches half the capacity of a Kiwi or a Mango. Those kind of experiences in your mouth are so magical it is ALMOST like oral sex.
Eating a good piece of fruit is a lot like shoving someones sex in your mouth.
Ok, it is not at all like that, but apparently this piece is getting me worked up so I am going to stop writing and go sloppily shove my face into a peach now.
That was not a metaphor. I am a messy eater.
You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to be into it, but you can’t deny it:
This song is everywhere.
And while everyone is spouting this “Gotye is the next big thing” crap, people who know music stand up and say:
Nah, he has been making music since 2001, he just finally broke through so you THINK he is the next big thing.
But don’t actually say that to anyone, it makes you look like a pretentious music snob. A Berkley dropout, if I may be so bold.
Anyway, one of the benefits (and drawbacks) for working for a music blog as a ghostwriter is that you sometimes have to wade through a bunch of knee deep fecal matter to find some of the real gems.
Over the last few months, the world has been inundated with a great number of Somebody That I Used To Know covers, that range from Godly to God-awful.
I have spent the last two months machete’ing my way through all of the Gotye covers to find the five that truly stand out.
These five covers all bring something distinctly different to the table, and in the process, breathe some new life into the song itself.
Walk Off The Earth
Please pay extra attention to epic beard guy on the far right.
When I first heard that five people all play one song on one guitar, I thought to myself that it was going to be a hot mess of noise that, at best, may resemble the song they are trying to emulate. Little did I know that this cover would be better than the original.
While that comment may piss some people off, understand, this is five people all playing the same guitar at the same time. That is mind blowing shit right there. Oh, and this video yielded what very well may be the greatest Youtube comment ever, regarding the guy in the hat. They compare him to a sea captain, looking out over the rest of his crew, and it is a brilliant observation from somebody that we’ll never know.
You see what I did there?
I caught some heat awhile back when this video was posted to Buzzfeed and I commented that the band was racist for sticking their token black guy in the corner and forcing him to beatbox.
Come on, it looks bad, right? Why did they do that?
The thing is, I was trolling. I was trolling, and I can admit it. As a writer, we get trolled a lot, and sometimes, it feels nice to put on the curled boots of a troll and find out for yourself. I actually think their cover is quite good (though they are a bit overly dramatic for me) and I honestly believe I made up for my trolling by posting this and bringing them some new fans.
Maybe now they will stop stalking me now and putting snakes in my mailbox.
Wait a damn second here, this guy is really doing all of this live, without any loop pedals?
Yes, yes he is.
I actually became upset when I first saw this. This guy is almost TOO good. How the hell do you do the vocals and the musical arrangement on two different hands at the same time? This guy has to have sold his soul to the devil, that is the only thing that makes any sense.
Honestly, he is a amazing guitarist and i suggest you go check out his website to be even more blown away by him.
Though they are all impressive, there is just something utterly remarkable about hearing this entire song being played instrumentally by one guy. I picked up my guitar in an attempt to play along at one point, and broke two of my fingers, that is how good he is.
ARMY Of 3
Do you know who ARMY of 3 is? It is singer Ingrid Michaelson, doing everything by herself. Adorable and awesome, who woulda thunk it?
Like a manic pixie dream girl, really from your dreams.
Though all the covers are awesome for different reasons entirely, there is just something so quaint and endearing about this cover, I had to show it some love. Plus, I bet you had no idea that Ingrid Michaelson had a side project called ARMY of 3 where she recorded all of the music herself, did you?
Now you do.
The Netherlands Radio Choir
I honestly do not even know what to say about this one other than no one saw it coming:
Well, good for you guys and gals.
Honestly, you may not download this version to your iPod, but there is something some kooky and insane about it, that it just somehow works.
Ok, now that we got that out of the way, can everyone please stop covering this song?
Gather round kids. I wanna tell you all a story.
A story most don’t get to hear becuz of the weight of the content, but I think a lot of you are ready so gather close, all of you..
*Gingerly opens book and begins to narrate for everyone listening, huddled on the floor all around him, eagerly listening:
Everyone knew Eeyore was depressed. He wore it on his sleeve. And his tail. The tail he could not keep attached no matter how hard he tried. And bless the little pink bow he would use to attach it, as if trying to better himself. Trying to bring smiles (and potentially have a few of his own) in the process. But smiling wasn’t easy for Eeyore. He did not have the hunger of Pooh, or the bah-bah-bah-bounce of Tigger or the brains of Owl or the caring mother like Roo did. No, in truth Eeyore had nobody. He was all alone. And though he tried to make people smile with pink bows, after all, he always liked the way the pink offset the grays, he never let anyone knows how sad he REALLY was. You see, Eeyore was sad. Really sad. Like “every day is a rainy day” sad.
Most likely he was born sad.
Just one of those creatures who could not be happy.
A lot of bad things happened to Eeyore before he found his way into The Hundred Acre wood, but they where things he would NEVER speak of.
He just let the rain follow him, and best he did to try to shake it or break free from it, it just seemed to hang over only his head, day after day.
His fur always cold, soul always broken, he lost days just floating down the river on his back, secretly praying the current would pull him under or atleast take him somewhere just a little more pleasant.
Just a little more beautiful.
Just a little more ACCEPTING.
But the river always washed him up on the same spot. Laying on his back, rain in his face, tail barely hanging on. It was just another day for Eeyore.
But understand, Eeyores depression was no mystery.
Everyone knew about it.
To some degree, they addressed it.
But usually they mocked it, delegating any kind of help in the form of ” You gotta cheer up buddy, the suns a shining!” or ” Come on Eeyore, stop moping around!” but they never asked what was wrong.
They never asked what was so bad that it cast clouds over every one of his days.
Never inquired, for they where SO happy themselves, for them, it was hard to think outside of that spectrum.
But for that reason alone, no one should have been surprised or shocked.
No one should have been appalled or beside themselves when they found Eeyore that day.
Yet they all were.
They cried out and wept and fell to ground screaming out “Why?!”
Even Tigger lost his bounce that day.
For there, mere feet overhead, casting a shadow as massive as a mile wall, was Eeyore.
Hanging from his own tail.
And underneath him, scrawled in the sand sloppily using one of his little gray hooves, in a final act of acknowledgment, was a note to his “friends”.
And those words, carefully scrawled below his gray, swinging corpse simply said:
Thanks for trying.
and it was only between the tears and sobs that Roo looked up and said in a clear enough voice for all in The Hundred Acre Wood to hear:
“S,SSS, sa,sa,s saddest puhpuhpart of all is it lalalalooks like he is finally smiling.”
He could barely finish the sentence between his loud, child like sobs.
And that, my friends, was the saddest day ever in The Hundred Acre Woods.