Animals are cute, right? Especially when they are doing super cute stuff, that is all cute and stuff. But you know what isn’t cute? When animals speak English. Some people think it is, but not I. I say that is some witchcraft stuff.

Now I understand some people see this as the ultimate trick to teach dogs, and that is fine. But that doesn’t make me find it any less weird. If you were laying in bed one day, and your dog pushed the door open with its snout, walked into the room, and said, out loud: I RUV YOU! it would be terrifying. Even though the sentiment seems sweet, it would be genuinely terrifying. Dogs are not supposed to talk.

And some may argue that they can be trained to do it, so why not do it? Well, I can tape a knife to a dog’s back and send it into war, but that doesn’t mean I should, right?

I truly hope this dog found the sense to shoot its master in the face with that gun.

A talking dog would be almost as weird as some human going to a dog park and getting into the middle of a crowd of dogs and then barking in an attempt to converse with them. It would just be unnatural and off-putting. And that is exactly how I take these next six videos.

I Think She Is Named Mishka

It seems like the dog just says it to get the two stupid humans to shut up and stop harassing it.

The two people out of frame in this video sound like they may possibly be the most annoying people who ever lived. Do they love their dog? No doubt, and that is great, but I bet you they force Mishka to do their taxes, too.

This Dog Speaks of Its Hobbies

We laugh, but these dogs are obviously slowly taking control.

Oh, that’s good. Your dog tells people what it likes to do. Run around. Your dog can somehow say Run Around. Wait, how the hell can your dog say that? And why? Why does it say that? Again, what does this mean? I bet it is issuing a command to US. Run around for my amusement, silly humans.

This One Is Contacting Its Overlords

It has a look in its eyes that says: Stop making me do this or I am going to eat your face off.

Alright, this dog seems to be transmitting a deep, low-level frequency to its talking Dog overlords asking them to relieve it from its duties here on Earth because humans have become TOO annoying. It is less talking, and more like a deep cry for help.

This Dog Has A Sultry, Deep Voice

In my nightmares, Satan has the exact same voice.

Ok, this dog SEEMS like it’s being sweet, but listen to that tone. Like the guttural sounds one would hear emanating from the mouth of a demon. Or the stomach of a really hungry fat guy.

What The Hell is NUM NUM

He has the same eyes as David Bowie.

Alright, there is much to discuss here. We all laugh, and think this is cute, but the underlying question the smartest of us are asking after seeing this is just what is num num? Imagine of num num was a code word for “the death of the human race”? Than this video wouldn’t seem so endearing, would it? Well, that is the thing. No one but the dog knows what num num is, so basically, it could be really evil.

This One Even Learned To Walk Upright

The only dog breed born with herpes and a bottle of pepper spray.

See what eventually happens after you teach dogs to talk. Then, they begin to walk upright. And get terrible hairstyles. And look like they smell funny. And the stuff they eventually learn to say is even stupider and more banal than barking.

So we need to stop now.

Before we turn this:

This one doesn’t talk. It is too depressed.

Into this:

Not sure what kind of breed this is, but I think we need to put it down. For its own species sake.

It’s never too late to stop the madness people.