In my unending hunt for movies so bad they are good, a lot of times I just find movies that are bad.

Like really bad.

Like ‘write the director and beg for ninety minutes of your life back’ bad.

Movies that are so stupid and derivative, you feel like you may actually be stupider after watching them.

And the real problem is, for every one or two good movies there are, at least 200-500 terrible films exist.

Did I just make that stat up? Yes. Yes, I did. But I am 33% sure it is 67% accurate.

And those stats are 45% true themselves, so if you do the math, it makes sense.

Now onto the list of celluloid atrocities.

Surf Nazis Must Die

Hey, someone had to do something about the huge surf Nazi problem of the 80’s.

I realize I could fill this list with just movies from Troma films, but this was the first movie I ever saw at  the video store as a kid that made me stop and think WTF kind of concept is that? (yup, that’s right, kids. When I was younger, we watched movies on things called video cassettes on machines called VCRs, and you had to go to an actual store and rent the videos,which you were only allowed to keep for 2 days at a time.)

Alright, which one is the surf Nazi? You know it’s bad if you can’t tell. 

Looking back though, everything about this, from the soundtrack to the fashion to the box art, screams  “the coked out 1980’s”.

Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2

This movie might be the only thing on Earth that actually makes me want to punch babies.

Though I have never said it or put it into print, Baby Geniuses is a movie that fills with me an inexplicable rage that I cannot begin to even attempt to put into human terminology. So the fact that SOMEHOW enough people saw the first one and seemingly liked it to yield a sequel makes think I am not fit to live on this Earth with you people anymore.

Charles is CLEARLY no longer in charge of anything.

I know I am picking on a movie about talking babies that stars Scott Baio, but come on. This movie came out in 2004. Who in their right mind would OK this movie? This movie is shit. 

Odd colored baby shit in a diaper, hurled at you from INSIDE your tv.

The Mangler

A giant killer steam press? Are you kidding me?

There was a time when the name Stephen King was synonymous with making normal, everyday things into killers. From dogs and toys, to cars and trucks, he wrote stories about everyday things becoming imbued with the relentless need to kill. And in some cases, like Cujo, where the story actually made sense, it worked really well. But man, you could tell when he was phoning one in.

And boy did he phone The Mangler in.

Its main weakness is, if you don’t go near it, it can never f*ck with you.

For me, the story was actually way worse than the movie (somehow), with the machine becoming all huge and sentient and breaking free from the factory and stalking the streets of the town. Even as a kid when I read that I knew this was a throw away story, and to this day I have NO idea how this was chosen to be made into a film over some of his much stronger stories.

Theodore Rex

The nineties gave us Nirvana, Terminator 2, and somehow, this.

Man, nothing says Hollywood blockbuster like Whoopi Goldberg in a body suit with a giant, awkward dinosaur as her partner. Wait, what the shit?

I know I did a lot of drugs back then, but this picture and trailer prove this movie is real, right? RIGHT?!!

This was part of that “everyone is batshit crazy for anything involving dinosaurs” phase of the 90’s that was kicked off by Jurassic Park, but brought to its knees by shows like Dinosaurs (Not the MOMMA!) and movies like this.

There are even rumors that Kurt Cobain killed himself after seeing this film.

Ok, I made that up. Sorry.

Night of the Lepus

Rabbits? Are you kidding me? Seriously, is this a 90 minute SNL sketch?

I happen to have a dwarf bunny for a pet, so perhaps that is one factor into why I think this is one the stupidest movies ever made. The most vicious thing my bunny does is look at me and act adorable all the time. But someone, somewhere, ate enough LSD to write this script, and then fed enough LSD to a film producer to convince him to let it get made. Wait, what did I just say?

Again, pretty sure that is 68% accurate.

Note how vicious and nasty my pet bunny, Trix Nasty is. This is him chillin’. Don’t be fooled.

The only thing I know is an actual Night of the Lepus would be far more adorable than deadly. And no one bring up Watership Down, please.

The Thing With Two Heads

Honestly, I have nothing bad to say. This shit is genius.

Ok, this one should not be here. This movie is a cinematic masterpiece in race relations and deserves a spot among the best films ever made.

Just kidding. It is crap.

But unlike the other crap on this list, The Thing With Two Heads is oddly enjoyable crap, if there is such a thing.

Oddly enough, The Thing With Two Heads is what my ex used to call me.

Someone, please remake this with Ice Cube and Bill Murray?

See, sometimes there are movies so bad, you will find yourself in a state of disbelief they were ever made. For me, these six are those movies. Well, these six and about 237,898 more.

And that number is 98% accurate, 62% of the time.