I wear this outfit on the third Friday of every month.

I wear this outfit on the third Friday of every month.

We all are quick to condemn Valentine’s day as something spewed out by Hallmark in an attempt to make more money and force emotionally distant men into a day of honesty and intimacy. But truth be told, once you get past the stupid norms that pop culture thrusts on your regarding Valentine’s day and the expectations therein, you realize, it’s a perfect excuse to drink some wine with someone you love, listen to some sassy jams, and potentially do the horizontal hula until both of you are laying there in a shiny layer of sweat-glaze, hair tussled just so, wrapped in a post coital embrace. Wow, that last sentence might be the best thing I have ever written. A good writer would make a mental note of that. I, on the other hand, am masturbating myself about it, out loud, so that should let you know where I stand for tonight. Having said all that in one breath, allow me to now present to you a playlist, perfect for you and your lover to get sideways and shiny to. Thank me later in nine months by naming your baby Remy. Spoiler warning, these are some sexy jams.

Yes to that whole "taste my finger' thing. Just yes.

I am sorry if this finger smells questionable, yet, am I?

So the key to having a good playlist to get it on to is to have a play list that has a little bit of everything. You want a couple slow tempo  jams to set the pace, and you want a couple faster, more crunchy songs, to get hips shifting to maximum potentital. I don’t see this list doing you wrong, but the key in all of this is to NOT imagine me at all. Seriously, pretend you are on Cracked right now or something. I have heard nothing can kill the mood quite like a Remy. Having said that, press play, and only think of me if you are trying NOT to cum. Wait, should I spell it with an O or a U? I don’t know the proper usage, and I sure as Hell don’t want to Google it, cuz that will end bad.

See, I already killed the mood.

Alright, I’ll shut up and let the music get you going.

(Any Portishead song, really.)

(It’s okay if you get a little extra nasty to this one, that’s why it’s here)

(This one is real good because it seems like the people are cheering on the sex you are having, which is why I went with a live version.)

(She may laugh at first, but trust me, about thirty seconds in this beat makes you work the hips in odd and other worldly ways.)

(Easily the best song and best band you’ve never heard of. And yes, that IS Mike Patton singing.)

(Watch video in background to get even more aroused by the volcanic sexiness on screen.)

(If you lasted THIS long, you are a better man than I. End it sweet and intimate style with some Mazzy, and hugs and stuff.)

Post-coitus, black and white, high-art, who sleeps in the wet-spot, nappy time.

Post-coitus, black and white, high-art, who sleeps in the wet-spot, nappy time.

Wow, it was like we just had a threesome, except I was in the closet, watching you do it with someone. That is my definition of intimacy.

Happy Shmalshmemtimes Day, Remlins.