Why is NO ONE talking about this right now? It seems pretty major news for us all to just ignore. Are we ignoring it because it is so insane that, to even humor it, makes US seem retarded? Or are we not talking about it because in some insane way, it seems like it could MAYBE make sense? Either way, Michael Douglas just came out and said that he got throat cancer from eating pussy, and that same thing that GAVE him the throat cancer, H.P.V, also KILLED the throat cancer. I am sorry, but I just can’t leave this one alone yet. It is one of those things where my mind just keep saying “wtf” over and over in my head. Let’s explore this a bit, shall we? Not with our tongues, though. Atleast not until we know more. Just kidding. Eat away, my friends, Michael Douglas is either right or wrong, but if you are that intent on eating pussy, this probably won’t change your mind.
Ah, sweet alliterations. I know thee well. This time, I found myself reflecting on some scenes of coitus I had seen on the big screen, that were not sexy at all. Not scary, mind you, but sort of fumbling and awkward, like real sex can be sometimes. We all want to pretend that we look like Greek statues when we are clapping the skins, but most of us know better. And most of us are aware that sex is not always good. Sometimes, it can be messy and awkward. Well, almost ALWAYS it’s at least a little messy, but you get my point. Here are six sex scenes that were not afraid of showing us just how silly sex can be, from time to time.
Flashback about seven years. I am working my old job at the laser tag arena (yes, seriously) and I am just standing around, minding my own business, most likely high off my ass. Suddenly and out of the blue, a cute (but rather young) girl runs over and grabs my black gel bracelet I am wearing, and tears it off, my wrist, while looking me in the eyes and grinning. I, being irrational and having no clue about much of anything, look down at my bracelet, now ripped in two in her hand, and I say: WHAT THE FUCK?! She looks terrified, and runs off down the hall, and out the exit. My friend Sara, who was working that day, too, walks over and proceeds to tell me that girl wanted to fuck me, and ripping off my black bracelet was her way of telling me that. I sat there, dumbfounded. Now I was never one to shy away from some sex, especially on the off-chance it happens THAT easily, but in the same breath, the girl was obviously younger than me, and as lazy as I am, you must be THIS TALL to ride this ride, if you know what I mean. But it hit me a minute later how extremely messed up this bracelet thing is. So gone is the need for young people to even say anything, now they can just break each others things as a sort of next level “grunting” until sex happens? Jesus Christ, what is wrong with the young generation? What pay off is there in that, anyway? Also, everyone is disgusting, and this shit needs to stop. I know I sound old, but in the same breath, I would rather sound old than sound like this current generation of teens who indiscriminately want to fuck like rabbits. Yes, sex is fun. But when sex boils down to breaking a bracelet, something is wrong with this world.
She tied me up,
she tied me down,
from ceiling and from bed, be bound!
These ropes and cuffs around my wrist,
UNTIE ME NOW, I DOTH INSIST.
A good friend and I were smoking a joint the other day and talking about potential fashion trends for the forthcoming year, when he mentioned that he hopes the “merkin” makes a return. I laughed out loud, pretending I knew what that was, when in fact, I didn’t. I thought the word sounded funny, but outside of that, I knew nothing. I decided instead of being an ass, I would actually ask him, and he proceeded to tell me it is a pubic wig. Holy fuck, a pubic wig?! All this did was flood me with awe and even more questions than when I didn’t know what it was. Why? What context? How does it stay on? What does it look like? He then told me he never looked one up, he just knew about it. I then made it my responsibility to learn all I could about the merkin. You might want to put a plastic bag on the wall behind you, because your mind is about to be blown.
So the way it works is this. You fasten a belt around a door handle, and you put your head through the other end of the belt, leaning your neck forward to cut off your air. While you are doing this, you jerk off. The trick is, you keep the belt loose, so when you need to, you can pull your head back out. Thing is, you want to hold off your breathing as much as possible, because, the closer you are to death, the bigger the orgasm. I am not kidding, nor am I trying to be shocking. Simply trying to let you know about something that exists, all around you, that you probably know very little of. Hell, in the movie Life As A House they show Hayden Christensen pretty much at the tail end of this act, minus the death. When the air is cut off to your brain, then floods your brain right as the endorphin’s from an orgasm floods your brain, you have the kind of knee-buckling orgasm that makes even atheists believe in God. Having said that, are there any orgasms worth dying over? These four celebrities (and I am using the term loosely on a few of these) thought so. Also, despite whatever the preceding paragraph leads you to believe, I don’t masturbate with a belt around my neck. I am by no means coordinated enough to do that and not die the first time. Anyway, on with the diesturbation.
The deeper you go into some subcultures, the more you see how twisted some people’s views on sexuality can be. Now it needs to be stated that just because something is twisted, doesn’t make it wrong. In some cases, it just makes it taboo and unknown to us. But in some cases, some deviant wants and needs are just wrong. Not only wrong, but immoral, illegal, and unforgivable. So ofcourse, there are directors who choose to use that discomfort for effect in their films, and the end result can be a harrowing moment in a movie, where you are forced to see something your tender soul was completely unprepared to see. One of the first scenes I remember making me feel like that was the scene in The Exorcist when Linda Blair uses the crucifix as a sex toy. That was roughly three taboos being shown to me at once, in tandem. Sexuality of a child, the dangers of religion (lol), and sex in context of child and religion. I still CAN’T make it through that entire film, which is astounding, if you know me. So it only seems fitting that, three decades later, William Freidkin would do it again with his white trash opus, Killer Joe.
Generally, the people I know will ask my advice on the more fucked up films. Even though I pretty much watch everything (except for musicals and most rom-coms), I have sort of pigeon-holed myself as this ‘horror film” guy. And with articles like this and this and this, I can understand that, and I don’t mind. But the funny thing is, because I watch SO MUCH horror, I have honestly become a bit desensitized to it. And for that very reason, the scenes that stick in my mind as being the most disturbing to me are often not from horror movies at all, as is the case with all the examples on this list. The idea is, when you see someone get disemboweled in a horror movie, that is its place. It belongs in a horror movie. It is at home in a horror movie, therefore, not very shocking. But it is those dark moments in films that are NOT horror that really resonate with the viewer. Here are five movie scenes from movies that were not horror, that I found horrifying regardless. Be forewarned, I will make sure the movies are fairly old, but there may be some spoilers ahead.
Remember when Khal Drogo tore that shit up? Well, a great deal of us were walking to the kitchen to make a sandwich, because we were watching with our Dads.
There are various ways we can experience a sex scene in a movie, and each way we experience it yields a genuinely different reaction from us. Under the right circumstances, it can further the story and give the movie a much-needed shot to the arm. Also, it can be enjoyable to watch two attractive people screw each others brains out. We can all shake our heads, and people can act like what I just said was offensive, but we all know you wouldn’t kick Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake out of bed for eating crackers, if you know what I mean. But there are many elements that factor into how you experience a sex scene. From who you are with to where you are all factor in. The following list breaks down all the odd scenarios you can find yourself in when a sex scene comes on in a film you are watching, and some solid proof that you reactions are not only justified, but you are not alone in them. We have ALL been there at one time or another. Not sure if we should feel aroused or terrified, but pretty sure we are feeling both at once. And much like the title implies, the worst scenario of all is……