Celebrities I’d Like To Get Stoned With: RZA
Can you, even for a moment, imagine what it would be like to hang out with one of the members of the Wu-Tang Clan? Each member is unique and badass for different reasons. And more than just hanging out with them, can you imagine what it would be like to light up with a member of the Wu-Tang? Last time I waxed philosophical about what it would be like to hang out and get stoned with one of the modern rock greats, so this time, my mind naturally went to one of the hip hop greats. And as much as I would love to blaze with Jay-Z or Kanye, truth is, in my honest opinion, RZA is on a whole different level and planet than most, and I mean that as a compliment. Some see him as just a rapper or writer, but the truth is, RZA is a whole lot more than that. Dude is a living legend, and though I know most would pick Method Man if they could smoke with one member of Wu-Tang (or if they had a time machine, ODB), I pick RZA, aka Prince Rakeem, aka The Abbot, aka Bobby Digital, aka Prince Delight, aka Ruler Zig-Zag-Zig-Allah. Why? Because he is one of the greatest modern artists alive right now. Hip Hop’ true Renaissance man.
See, what you need to understand about RZA is if you think he is just a rapper in Wu-Tang, you don’t know the half of it. First of all, his production is some of the sickest in the world. Really. Many of the Wu-Tang joints you know and love existed because they were birthed to life in RZA’s twisted mind. Add to that his gutterall spitting style, unique wordplay, and distinct drawl, and you have not just a unique and important presence in hip hop, but someone who stands out in all of music. Hip hop may not be dead right now, but I tell you, it had a much stronger heart beat when Wu-Tang were at the heart of it, and never forget, RZA was at the heart of Wu-Tang.
And that is just the surface stuff. I am not even touching on the time he almost killed a guy in Steubenville, or the how he was actually named after Robert Kennedy. There is SO MUCH life, fire, and passion. Hell, he is the champion of The Hip Hop Chess Federation. Yes, that’s a thing. And even still, I know some of you don’t know about his MANY alter egos, including the INCREDIBLE Bobby Digital, and just how influential overall RZA has been in hip hop and music. He was essential in helping to imbue the spiritualism and heavy Eastern philosophy teachings into Wu-Tang’s music, and that is not only reflected in their music and their name, but the whole philosophy of the band and energy of the band and their music.
On top of that, he has moved into screenwriting, acting, and directing, and people can say whatever they want about his debut movie, The Man With The Iron Fists, but it was a lot of fun, and paid great homage to all the martial art films of the 70’s that inspired who he was, so who has anything bad to say about that? What you ultimately have here is an incredibly cool and imaginative character who lives for kung-fu movies, sick beats, and amazing wordplay. He has worked with actors, actresses, and some of the best in the industry. He is so cool with Quentin Tarantino, Tarantino helped make his movie. So imagine all the amazing stories RZA would have to tell? All the ill shit he has seen? All the bitches and bastards he has had to interact with? All the low points and high times?
Speaking of high times, take a minute with me to imagine what it would be like to smoke a blunt with RZA.
The tough part for me is, I would have to play it cool. I couldn’t be all giddy and bugging out that I am getting high with RZA, so I would have to seem somewhat distracted by life. Sort of aloof, but not so much that he is like “This dude sucks”, but enough that he isn’t like “This dude’s a bitch”, and once we started blazing, I could just gradually be myself, and he would just gradually be less hesitant of me once he saw how cool I am. Or atleast once he saw how cool I THINK I am. That would atleast be good for a laugh I think. Once we’re lit, I wanna ask about Wu-Tang. Not ask so much that it annoys him, but just to know some behind-the-scenes shit. Like, was ODB really THAT over-the-top, and what was it like when Killer Bees dropped, and all the world knew Wu-Tang was for the children? You know, cool shit like that.
I would also pray that we would get so high we would somehow start jamming out on some music. I know he is a master producer, capable of playing many instruments, and i can def play my fair share, so I hope we would get some time to just sit back and let some music flow from us, organically. I can only imagine that the music I would make, while stoned with RZA, would be some genuinely ill shit. Just saying. Once we got some of those ill jams out of our collective systems, I would pass the dutchie on the left hand side again and hopefully we would back-and-forth about movies. Cult movies, action movies, who was his favorite gang from The Warriors, and so on and so forth. I would even ask some stupid questions, like what horror movies fucked him all up. Everyone has that ONE horror movie that fucked them all up, but what movie fucked RZA up? I can’t be the only person curious about that.
The story would end with him realizing I am the shit and that he wants me as a part of his posse because I have such a “keen eye and sharp wit”. His words, not mine. Just kidding. Those are my words. A quick flashback to reality, revealing just how sad and hallucinatory this all is on my part. Fuck it, though. I am allowed to dream, and I am allowed to dream out-loud. No one can EVER take that from me.
But seriously, RZA, if you are ever around the Boston area, hit your boy Remy up. I will get you high as fuck, and can promise you a fairly badass day. Well, badass if sitting around, eating Pringles and jamming on old Casio keyboards is badass to you. Seriously, though, Pringles, weed, Casio’s, and RZA? Man, a cooler day I can’t even imagine. I am sure, to him, that sounds kind of terrifying, actually.
Still though, don’t mind me. Ima just keep dreaming out loud…