Excuse me, kids, but why the fuck do you all have shorts on in Winter?

Christmas is a magical time of year, when we shuffle around, from store to store, spending our hard-earned money on people who realistically won’t like what we get them anyway. When we are not driving onto curbs to avoid “holiday lunatics”, or fighting our way through a store to get someone the “next big thing”, we all do our best to rekindle our innocence by watching the same holiday specials, over and over again, every year. We say we do it because we love them. But that is not why we do it. We watch them on the off-chance they will rekindle our faith in humanity, or perhaps give us back some of that innocence and purity we had in us when we first saw them as a child. The word is nostalgia, and at no time is that feeling more in the air than at Christmas time.  But as you get older, and more and more of you dies inside, you begin to notice things in these specials you never noticed before. The following things I learned in horror last week, watching Frosty again, only this time through different eyes. Bitter, jaded eyes. Prepare to have your mind blown. Or to laugh at me. It will definitely be one or the other and no in-betweens.

On an extra weird note, the little girl may have nothing on under that coat.

The first, and potentially  most jarring thing you learn from watching the Frosty the Snowman cartoon as an adult is that all these kids are clearly raising themselves. I mean, they have no pants on. Seriously, none of them. Instead of it being implied it is a school at the start of the special, imagine it is a special education home. Makes more sense, huh? A group facility if you will, and all the children who are there are enrolled there. The school is on site of the home, so when the bell rang, and they all ran outside to play, that is why no one actually LEFT the school yard at the end of the day. Also, a magician? Sorry, but outside of special education, you don’t get too many “Hey, we got a magician!” days at public school. Also, anyone else notice that classroom were the only kids from the school. Odd, huh? No other kids?

” No, kids. I have no idea why your parents left when you were just a baby. But HAPPY BIRTHDAY, or something.”

Once you figure it out that the kids in Frosty are without parents, it is something that never leaves your mind. Let me explain. The first trigger to let us know this is the fact that the kids all go to school in shorts (and in the girls case, just a coat) and no one even bats an eye at this. Why did none of us not notice that when we were growing up? There is snow already on the ground, and while they are in their “special education” class it snows some more. And yet, the bell rings, and these kids go outside to play in FUCKING SHORTS. Or, like I declared before, just a coat with nothing under it, like the little girl, Karen. And then, once outside, the act of them all suddenly agreeing to build a snowman together, as if they had been planning it for weeks. I will give you a hint, they have no parents. Think maybe this Frosty guy could be projection of their need to be loved by an adult? Their inherent need to be nurtured, which is CLEARLY missing from their lives.

Mass hallucinations are not unheard of when it comes to hysteria, especially in children.

These kids build Frosty out of they own unyielding desire to be loved and cared for by an adult figure. Think about it, he is born into the world screaming “Happy Birthday”, which would be a dream of these kids, who spend their pantsless, parentless birthdays weeping in the alley ways they call home.  The cartoon tries to convince us that he yells that because he just came into existence and has no idea what is going on, but if that is the case, how the fuck does he know what a birthday is, or that you yell about it to people? Or even English? And to anyone who wants to tell me I am looking way too into this, no shit. Don’t hate on me when Cracked.com does articles like this all the fucking time. My turn now, kids.

And now onto the magician pedophile who chases children through the entire special.

” Yeah, I can see your snowman is totally talking cuz of my magic hat, now follow me into this van and I we can  talk about it some more.”

Professor Hinkle was his name, and he even had a rape-stache. What is a rape stache? That weird, huge mustache all porn actors had in the 70s and 80s. I mean, look at that move he is doing in that pic? You’re telling me you would trust him alone with your children? Well, someone did, because he does a terrible magic show for the kids (also, who fucking hired this guy, and why?) and then, for reasons I will never know,  he is allowed to follow the kids outside, play with them, and then stalk them to the North Pole where he murders Frosty in front of the girl to strip all her defenses and lock her into her role as perpetual victim. Wait, getting ahead of myself.

 The magician, Professor Hinkle, is OBVIOUSLY a child molester, who figures out that, if he follows these kids around and perpetuates their fantasy enough that they will lower their defenses enough that he can kidnap and molest them to death. That may seem extreme, but really think about all this for a second. The shorts. The snowman. The stupidity. And it all comes to a head when they realize Frosty keeps melting, so they have to hop a train to the North Pole.

What kind of normal kid thinks “hop a train” as the solution to anything? Nope, only hobos know about hopping trains, which only reiterates my belief that they all have dead parents. Maybe a town wide fire killed them all off or something? Either way, they hop the train (like train-hopping professionals), even knowing to jump on a refrigerated car to keep Frosty alive. Wait, there are refrigerated train cars? I didn’t know, but these resourceful orphans seem to from their life on the road. And like I said before, even though there are boys, who have more body strength and even more clothes than her, and they decide to send the little girl. Awesome. Glad Professor Hinkle knows to jump on a car and follow them. Man, thought like a true molester.

” Smell my finger, Frosty. SMELL IT!!!”

And again, to reiterate, these kids hop a train to the North Pole. No regard, no worry. Even the most hardened, badass kid would be like: Wait, the North Pole? Let me aleast leave my Mom a note. But not this crew. Hell, no. They just  bounce, no questions asked. And it only dawns on them too late that pantless girl will probably die out there because they didn’t plan well.

Also, the smartest member of their group is a fucking bunny. No joke. The bunny knows everything, which doesn’t surprise me at all, because I have a bunny, and it pays all of our bills. Also,  the bunny’s eyes are ALWAYS hella red. So, the smartest member of their team is a pot-smoking bunny. Best thing about this, bunnies do love eating marijuana, so I feel like the writers were far more brilliant than we think, and maybe wrote such a twisted tale for their own personal enjoyment.

Seriously, the rabbbit always looks like it just walked in from a three day coke bender.

Now, onto the murder and molestation.  Yes, you read that correctly. I will skip the stupid shit (animals have a party in the center of the forest, decorating trees and shit) and get to the green house scene. So Frosty and Karen are trying to escape from Baron Von Molest-alot, and they come across a green house. Yup. That is where the rabbit got its weed. Anyway, Frosty decides Karen is really cold (cuz she is nekkid) so he advises they should go into the greenhouse for a few brief moments. Well , Baron Von Molest-alot notices them go in, seeing as to how he was stalking them from the bushes, and he runs up and slams the door with Frosty inside. He says he will wait until Frosty melts, and then he will: Go in and get his hat. I am assuming “hat” is what pedophile magicians call it when they rape a small child.  So sure enough, he slams the door shut, and then the cartoon does something even more messed up. It flashes forward and shows Karen weeping over a puddle of water.

Just take comfort in knowing her parents were dead, and Frosty died right in front of her before she was molested.

Like, what happened in the time we didn’t see? Was Frosty screaming in agony the whole time, begging Karen to curb stomp his snowy skull to end the slow suffering of melting to nothing? Did he tell her to look away, and did she refuse? Did they hold hands, and did she feel her mitten get heavy as it saturated with her melting best friend? We will never know.

And another thing we will never know is what Captain Rapesburg would have done if he got in there,  because OFCOURSE he was thwarted by Santa Clause.  Why? Because the writers, up to that point, clearly must have had NO idea how this was ending, and seeing as to how is was a Christmas special, they decided to just have Santa appear and fix everything.  And I love that Santa tells the rape-gician that he has to go be a good boy now, or he will NEVER get presents again. So wait a second, in this world they live in, the parentless society, you can stalk children, and you still get gifts? You can shut a door on someone and watch them melt to death, all while a little girls sobs, and you still get gifts? So basically, Santa said: Listen, don’t rape this girl and I will get you a new magic hat. And ofcourse, the magician obliges, elated as a small child himself.  Because criminals and molesters should TOTALLY forgiven and rewarded for such questionable behavior.  What the hell?

This is the part where Santa tells Professor Hinkle that one finger just doesn’t have the substance needed, you have to use TWO!

And ofcourse, to only further destroy these parentless kids minds, Santa tells Karen how Frosty will pretty much die and come back, every year with the changing seasons, from now until she dies, further breaking her grasp on the reality of the true permanency of death, which sadly,  has followed these kids their whole lives, so it seems.

So, in closing, you guys may see a cute Christmas cartoon that makes you nostalgic for days of old. Me, I see a bunch of naked kids with dead parents who get further ruined by the desperate acts of one child molester who is willing to perpetuate their hallucinations on the off-chance he may get to molest one. And he ALMOST gets away with it, but Santa saves the day because, at this point, why the fuck not?

Pictured: Kids with abandonment issues and a lack of pants, heading off to be molested.