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As I sit here and reflect on the last year, I cannot help but think that I am the victim of the most elaborate Punk’d in history. I am still waiting for a stupid, high-looking Ashton Kutcher to jump out the bushes in front of my house and laugh at me. I knew I loved to write. I was that annoying guy who always had a blank notebook and sketch book with me, every where I went. I just never thought a million plus people would want to read this stuff. But honestly, here I am, with exactly 1, 102, 771 hits, wondering how the fuck this happened. Not in a bad way, but in a “please don’t wake me up” way. Honestly, it is completely reasonable that I died from some massive tragedy back in June of this year (when the site launched) and this has all been some DMT driven hallucination as I wrestle with the icy grip of death. Either way, alive or dead, here are the six most popular articles from this mishmash of a site. Again, I am just as shocked as you guys. And if I haven’t said it, thank you for listening to me ramble. Means a lot.

 

Five Best and Five Worst Horror Movies of the Year

 

When she tells you she "likes" you, run the fuck away.

When she tells you she “likes” you, run the fuck away.

For me, this was the ultimate. All my life I wanted to be a horror guy. Writing it, drawing it, playing it. However I could. And when I started writing a great deal of “most disturbing” articles for Unreality, that seemed to be slowly happening. But with this article, it all changed for me. Suddenly, people were listening, they really were. I was getting hit up on Twitter, with people telling me how much they enjoyed Lovely Molly or VHS after I had recommended it. Do you even realize how happy that makes my soul? Hell, writing this stuff even got me favorited by a few of my cinematic heroes, like Panos Cosmatos, and Pacsal Laugier.

When you are a horror fan, and  the director of Martyrs favorites one of your tweets, it feels pretty stupendous. But just the fact that this article has stayed viral for three weeks pretty much tells me I am in the right field, and surrounded by like-minded people, which makes this job even better.

I love you all so hard right now. Sorry, the ecstasy just kicked in.

Is This Article About Puppies or Suicide? 

Excuse me, but I want to snuggle you until we both grow old, I hope that isn't a problem.

Excuse me, but I want to snuggle you until we both grow old, I hope that isn’t a problem.

Of all the ” I have no idea how this happened” articles of the past year on this site, I can honestly declare I have no idea why this article went viral. It goes from adorable to cynical so fast, and I thought that tone change my cost me some people, and I can understand that. Yet, here we are, months after it was written, and people are still reading it everyday. Again, why?

Well, it makes me think that, somehow, the people I WANTED reading me (traumatized, intelligent, psycho sexual cynics) are actually reading me. Again, how you all found me, I have no idea, but I am SO fucking glad you’re here. Seriously. Have I told you how hard I love you right now? Oh, I have. Okay, sorry.

 

Louis C.K’s Thoughts On Smoking Pot In Our Day And Age

This is the one, people. If I told you the story, you would think me a liar, but I will tell you, regardless, and promise you on my own soul, that very word is true.

I was heading to the white mountains with my lady for a few days, right on the water. I had worked my ass off most of the year, for very little, and had started the site a month or so earlier, and was honestly wondering what the fuck I was doing with my life. My queen had fallen asleep, and I walked out on the dock by the cottage. I walked out the edge, and could see the reflection of all the stars in the glass-still water, and I just had to question it all. It sounds silly, I know. But I am pretty far along in life to be wasting time on fruitless adventures. So, like a silly movie, I looked up and asked life to give me a sign. Not even God, just life. God rarely answers calls. Then I went  to bed.

I had a good last day of the vacation, and came home. When I got home, I saw that this very post, about Louis CK and the quality of pot right now, had gone from 150 views, to 150,000. I, honest to God, thought it was a WordPress mistake. My webmaster had to confirm it with me, and sure enough, that night, the night I wished for a sign, the website got flooded. And it stayed that way for a good month, strong. Somehow, Louis CK talking about pot had changed my life.

Seriously. That is why I am still writing. Because, as stupid as it sounds, I asked for a sign, and got it.  Man, my nips are hard right now. But not from cold, from FATE!

Five Books That Changed My Life 

 

If you have not read this book, we cannot be friends.

If you have not read this book, we cannot be friends.

If the Louis CK piece told me I could find good shit to run on the site, this article told me people actually cared about what I had to say. As much as the CK article getting hundreds of thousands of hits was amazing, it was a reflection on his mind, and not mine. This article, though, changed all that. Thanks to the wonderful StumbleUpon, people seemed interested in books that changed MY life. That is key in all of this. It wasn’t a list of life-changing books. No, it was a list of books that had changed MY LIFE, specifically. Again, no idea why anyone cared. I know the book selection on the list is universal, but regardless, it is just me, so I don’t know why anyone would be into it, but they did. That still bugs me out, in a good way.

And the best part? I got a great deal of messages and comments from people thanking me for suggesting Survivor, specifically. Survivor was the book that got me through a very hard time in my life after my best friend had taken his, and to know the book was helping and effecting other people, was very gratifying to me.

 

Geppetto (or) He Makes Little Boys In There

Again, of all the fiction pieces I did  this year, I have no idea why this one did so well. I found the premise to be extremely fun to write, and once the story started flowing, it was easy to write because the darker side of these characters became very transparent to me. But still, I would think this fiction piece, or this one, would’ve done better than a story about a creepy old toy maker  Shows you I still have a lot to learn in 2013. This piece has been trending on my site since the day it was written, many months ago. Every day I expect to not see it in the site stats, and every day, it is top five. Every day for months. How? No idea. Why? Well, no idea.

Hell, I am just grateful you are reading any of this, to be honest.

Race Wars and Bad Drugs: The Plymouth Diaries

My old high school looks like something out of a John Hughes movie.

My old high school looks like something out of a John Hughes movie.

I am SO glad you guys want to hear my fucked up true stories, or else I would be out of a job.

As long as atleast one person is listening, I will always stand on this soapbox, yelling stupid shit. I promise. Also, do me a solid, and follow me here, and go throw a like up here. I answer every message, so hit me up. We can chat. And again, if the thirty times I said it in this article didn’t stress it enough, thank you for reading.

It really is appreciated.

Yes, everything about this picture is deliberately douche. But you can't argue about the sweet mullet.

Yes, everything about this picture is deliberately douche. But you can’t argue about the sweet mullet.