How this guy looks is how I feel after watching these films. Retarded.

Disclaimer: retarded people are my favorite kind of person.

I love horror movies so much, obviously, I don’t like to talk badly about them. It takes a ridiculous amount of work to get a horror film done, from script to execution, and I don’t take pride in standing on the sidelines, tossing my opinion out, when all people are doing, even when they fail, is showing love for the genre.  But in some cases, horror movies are just SO f*cking bad, I can’t make excuses for them. I cannot validate them, or even find one nice thing to say. In examples like the films on this list, these movies were SO BAD, they actually made me dumber. I tried to eat cereal with a fork today, and I am pretty sure Wrong Turn 5 is to blame for that. Now I fully realize some readers are going to take to the comments and leave me something witty, along the lines of: watching a movie like Wrong Turn 5, what did you expect? But understand, this is a genre I love. Even when the films are bad, I will do my best to find something that is likable, or atleast admirable about their attempt. So I watch it all: The good, the bad, The old, and the extreme. But the films on this list, these films are like being eyeball raped, and then having a screwdriver shoved up your nose until you are too stupid to know they are actually bad films. Not even bad films. These are celluloid miscarriages. Movies so bad, you wish you could punch the director in his face as a child. Okay, went way to far on that last one. I see that. See, you see what these movies did to me? I am like some sort of retarded, wild-animal now.

Wrong Turn 5

I love how uncivilized killers in movies like this seem to have REALLY elaborate means of dispatching people at their disposal.

For as much hate as is about to spew from my mouth about this film, I feel the need to tell you guys that I actually enjoy the inbred-redneck-killer genre of film, as you can see by this list. But I couldn’t even make it all the way through Wrong Turn 4, so I knew this film was going to be awful. But honestly, this film was so bad, it inspired this whole list. Truthfully, for a good ten minutes after this movie ended, I hated all movies. It was like it was so bad, it corrupted me.

I cannot recall a movie in recent memory that was as infuriatingly bad as Wrong Turn 5. I watched it this week, and there were atleast forty times during the course of the film, when people make the worst choices I have ever seen in a movie. Normally, bad choices in horror films FUEL horror films. But in this case, the bad choices, the makeup, the set, the antagonists, the actors, every single element was way off. And the weirdest part? They had Doug Bradley in this movie. Doug is known for playing Pinhead in the original Hellraiser movies. And he was astounding in those films. All I can say is, it was heart breaking to me just how far the mighty have fallen.

This movie is so bad, Doug, I now refuse to high-five you in this picture.

I want to rationally write the things about this movie that sucked, but I get so mad, it is hard. One thing, the kids in the film are supposed to be at the “mountain man” festival in the film, which they compare to Burning Man. Yet, in EVERY SINGLE SHOT, the whole town was empty. And it looked like an abandoned  old set. And the Sheriff in the town? And the kids? It just ALL sucked.

One HUGE fail was the makeup on the killers. At one point, the redneck’s prosthetic is hanging OFF HIS LIP. For those who don’t know about special effects, that basically means, his mask is peeling off, and no one even fixed it or noticed it in editing. Seriously, I need to stop now, or I will go on forever. Honestly, I could. This film is so bad, it makes me weep for the slow death of the medium in general. I know I am over-reacting, but if you saw the film, you would understand why.

Apt 143

Their excuse for this? That she got her period. Seriously, wish I was kidding.

I talk about how much I despise this film much more in-depth over here at my weekly Last Stand column with Matt Donato. It is like the director (I will not name any of the directors in any of these examples because I greatly admire directors and am not trying to be THAT much of a dick) took so many great scenes and ideas from other horror films, put them into a blender, mixed them up until they were no longer scary or slightly interesting, then just puked them into something he calls a “horror” movie. Wow, guess I AM that much of a dick.

The premise for Apt.143 is: some people who study supernatural phenom decide to stay with a family, who have been reporting strange incidents since the untimely passing of their Mother. The team stay with them so they can conclude if it is, indeed, paranormal in origin.

Everybody is so busy “acting” in this movie, that, at no point, does it feel like you are watching anything scary or authentic. And then the reasons the researchers give for the actual phenom is, maybe, the stupidest resolution I have EVER SEEN to a horror film. Seriously, I want to punch this movie in the dick. That is how much I hated it. Anger, hate, and irrationally violent desires will accentuate this article, as you can see so far.

The Devil Inside

Dear bad horror directors: Stop hiring contortionists and trying to sell them to me as being”possessed”. 

Don’t young horror directors understand? The Exorcist already hit the ball out of the park for possession movies. And even after that, The Exorcism of Emily Rose did a pretty fantastic job of telling the completely true story of that case. So why, WHY do you all keep trying to make movies about woman or girls being possessed? Especially when the material you bring to us is of The Devil Inside’s caliber (and The Rite, for that matter).

Do you see that scene up there, from the photo? That single scene is, in my opinion, utterly embarrassing. You hire an actress who can OBVIOUSLY bend her body into weird shapes, and then you just film her, doing that, and making weird noises. And then, on top of it, and for NO REASON, you have her get her period. Why the f*ck did you do that? What did that have to do with anything? It was gross, and stupid, and ended up doing NOTHING to further the story. Oh, and then the way you ended your movie? Was that even a f*cking ending? It literally seemed like you guys ran out of film. I have never said that about any other movie but this one.

The Devil must be so ashamed of how he is represented on film. Good job, guys. You pissed off the Devil. If possession is as easy to catch as a cold, like your dumb ass movie indicates, you better get some crosses and holy water soon.

Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf

Only SLIGHTLY hairier than normal seventies sex scenes.

I realize from the name, that this film is probably supposed to be slightly bad and self-aware. The thing is, that is not how it plays out. The movie, for all intents and purposes, seems to take itself very seriously. Christopher Lee is in it, so it has THAT in its favor. But also, how do you follow-up The Howling (one of the best werewolf movies ever, outside of American Werewolf In London and Dog Soldiers) with this crap?

First off, the transformations suck. As you can see from the werewolf-threesome from the pic, sometimes, they only half-change, so they can have weird animal sex. This was the very fact I never got past. The odd, ten-minute, grunt-filled, inter-racial (I was fine with that part) lesbian (was fine with that part) semi-werewolf-sex. That last part is the part I was not okay with.

Wait, what does it mean if you are racist against werewolves? What does that say about me?

Grave Encounters 2

How is having a permanent O-face and broken jaw considered scary?

Listen, I need to start this off by pointing out how much of a fan I am of the original film. I know a good deal of reviewers didn’t love the original, but I did. If you asked me to pick between Grave Encounters or Paranormal Activity, which “found footage” film is scarier, I would say Grave Encounters. Yes, it has some shitty CG at times, but overall, the tension and pace of the film is great. And a few scares, like the bathtub scene, are wonderfully creepy. BUT, with part two, even though it is written by the same guys (The Vicious Brothers, who sound like they should be a boss in Borderlands 2), the movie sucked a grocery cart full of dicks.

The one thing it tries to do right is being meta. In other words, the people in part two have SEEN part one. Often, that should be a great setup to play with the idea of reality and perception, and to blur those lines. But, as we learned with Blair Witch 2: Book Of Shadows, being meta isn’t enough to save your movie, if your movie just sucks. And this movie just sucks.

Again, ridiculously poor choices are accentuated by a nonsensical script that casts the (Spoilers) hospital as an entity that NEEDS the movie finished (implying that the footage from the first film is half of the movie itself), so the hospital summons a young director to the hospital to “finish the film”. Did I mention this haunted hospital EMAILED THIS KID FROM A OUIJA BOARD!!???? Right there, when I found that out, that was it for me. Stupidest.Revelation.Ever.

And coming from a fan of horror, that is saying something.

” Wait, it is spelling something out…t.h.i.s.m.o.v.i.e.s.u.c.k.s….”

Do yourself a favor, under NO circumstances do you watch any of these films, unless you are completely comfortable with losing a significant amount of intelligence as the result of it. I watched them all, and now I am confused a lot, and tend to get distracted really easi