When I first found out that there were non-porn films where the actors willingly had real sex on camera, it blew my mind. I wrote about the subject once before in my Real Sex in Fake Movies article I wrote some time ago, but I felt like that article barely scratched the surface. For that piece, I seemingly went with a lot of Hollywood urban legends and heresy, but in my opinion, I didn’t “go in” far enough. I didn’t penetrate the subject as deeply as I could have. I didn’t thrust myself as intensely inside the piece as I knew I could if given a second shot at it. So I got knuckle-deep in some research. I decided to open this subject up, proverbially spread it with my thumbs, and look at how okay, okay, I’ll stop that now. You get the point. Here are five major movie releases that had some real releases of their own. Wow, I had to slip one more in there, huh? Technically, that makes two. Man, I have problems.

Brown Bunny

Why does Chloe Sevigny always seem like she’s three Zimas away from blowing everyone?

In the 2003 Vincent Gallo film, Brown Bunny, Gallo gets an on-screen bl*wjob from his then girlfriend Chloe Sevigny. Gallo is an interesting guy, but he is also a somewhat greasy guy, and this just solidified him in that image for a lot of people. As if the scene wasn’t bad enough in itself, Gallo used an image from that exact scene for a billboard he had put up in Hollywood. Oh, and he used the image for the cover to the soundtrack as well. He also used it as his Christmas cards that year. I made that last one up, but come on, it could be true and none of us would be surprised.

Just know, if you guys think I am masturbatory and narcissistic, Gallo has me overshadowed by leaps and bounds.

9 Songs

The weirdest (and most poignant) aspect of this film is that you feel like you are genuinely watch  two people get to know each other through sex. It feels real, because it is.

An American woman meets a British man, and they begin to have a torrid affair. That breaks down this movie to its most basic, but really, this movie is about sex and music. And you know what? Sex and music are two things that everyone can relate to. The thing about 9 Songs (the title refers to 9 songs played throughout the film, that compliment the story perfectly) is it all feels very real, almost candidly so.  Watching porn stars have sex is far from shocking’ now, but for me, seeing two people who are NOT porn stars have sex is very strange. You watch this movie, and it almost feels like you are looking in the blinds of someone’s bedroom and into their life. Like I said, very raw.

But for me, this movie posed a question that all the movies on this list pose? If a movie features up close, unsimulated acts of sex, how is that not porn?

I am not condemning. Merely asking.

Caligula

Helen Mirren in a porn movie with the guy from Clockwork Orange!? Well, yes and no.

This 1979 movie is interesting, because it is pretty much two films you can tell were cut and paste on top of one another. On one hand, you have the actual Caligula story, starring (the always stunning) Helen Mirren and (the always awesome) Malcolm McDowell. It is an epic film that tells a strange and wild story of Rome’s most insane and infamous Caeser, Gaius Germanicus Caligula, who was famous for holding orgies and falling in love with a horse. The thing is, the film has two versions. The 90 minute cut, minus all the hardcore sex. And then there is the 160 minute cut, that has the whole story, plus a boatload of hardcore sex that was tacked onto the film by Penthouse publisher, Bob Guccione, who helped “direct” (i.e finance) the movie.

In other words, don’t expect to see Helen Mirren or Malcolm McDowell getting their rocks off, because it never happens. It is a porn film tacked onto a non-porn film. A surreal film to say the least, but worth a watch once just to see the scope of it all. And Helen Mirren. Naked or not, that woman is a goddess.

Antichrist

The “tree scene” will forever haunt your psyche.

I am only bringing up this scene again (covered it on the last “real sex” list) because I needed to correct myself (thanks Jayde) about the sex in this film. While the sex was, indeed, real, it was not the actual on-screen actors privates going into each other. Director of Antichrist, Lars Von Trier, used porn actors for the close-up shots. So all my fears that I actually saw Willem Dafoe having real sex can be put to rest. Still though, even though the sex is real but sort of “not-real”, there are other shots in this film that are far more disturbing than just sex.

all I need to say is “rusty scissors”, and my blood runs cold.

Intimacy

The new wave of extreme French cinema is often as titillating (Intimacy) as it is disturbing (Inside).

So is sex better with or without the intimacy? That is the question that this movie asks of the viewer.

Intimacy is a story about two broken people, finding a fleeting glimmer of hope in the desperate act of anonymous sex. But what happens when it goes from just being sex, to being something more? Intimacy is an interesting film in the sense that it shows how far-reaching a few singular acts can be, and how what we sometimes think we are looking for is not what we are looking for at all. For a film that centers around the idea of intimacy, the fact that the intimacy is not “faked” makes this movie feel more like a glimpse into two spiraling lives where sex is the only glue keeping these two together.

Wow, sorry for that visual.

And The Real-Sex Movies You NEVER Watch:

Baise-Moi: If you know even a lick of French (pun intended) then you should know not to watch this film. Trust me. But all the sex is real. And really messed up.

Shortbus: Some people called this movie “brave”. I don’t. I think of it as a ego-boost for director John Cameron Mitchell, who was “so moved” by the sex scenes he had to involve himself. That’s greasier than Gallo, man.

Ken Park: From the same guy who fucked you all up with the movie KIDS. This is like the movie KIDS, but it shows everything. Disgusting and irredeemable.

David Carradine was always ambitious, even in his youth.

I’m not quite sure how to wrap this all up, so I will just make everyone even MORE uncomfortable with some bad visual metaphors.

Is it just me, or does that ham look like it has loose morals?

The proverbial prick of the cactus just took on a whole new meaning.

It’s lotion, you perverts.