jer koff

So the way it works is this. You fasten a belt around a door handle, and you put your head through the other end of the belt, leaning your neck forward to cut off your air. While you are doing this, you jerk off. The trick is, you keep the belt loose, so when you need to, you can pull your head back out. Thing is, you want to hold off your breathing as much as possible, because, the closer you are to death, the bigger the orgasm. I am not kidding, nor am I trying to be shocking. Simply trying to let you know about something that exists, all around you, that you probably know very little of. Hell, in the movie  Life As A House they show Hayden Christensen pretty much at the tail end of this act, minus the death. When the air is cut off to your brain, then floods your brain right as the endorphin’s from an orgasm floods your brain,  you have the kind of knee-buckling orgasm that makes even atheists believe in God. Having said that, are there any orgasms worth dying over? These four celebrities (and I am using the term loosely on a few of these) thought so. Also, despite whatever the preceding paragraph leads you to believe, I don’t masturbate with a belt around my neck. I am by no means coordinated enough to do that and not die the first time. Anyway, on with the diesturbation.

Michael Hutchence

SSHhhh, don't tell anyone I masturbated to death.

SSHhhh, don’t tell anyone I masturbated to death.

Listen, there were two schools in the eighties. The INXS school, and the U2 school. I am from the INXS school. I think INXS Kick is one of the best eighties albums ever recorded, and that has a large part to do with lead singer, Michael Hutchence’s, brooding authenticity. The guy was just cool. Whereas Bono was trying to change the world, Hutchence was trying to get some ass, and he made that very clear. He had a Jim Morrison-esque level of disaffected sexuality that seemed to permeate everything he did, and this was only proven more true when they found him, naked, hanging from a doorknob with a belt. Not the most respected way to die, but in the same breath, totally fitting way to go for this guy. And wouldn’t you know, after he died, Bono released (a very eerie song) with him. The song makes the moment resonate that much more.

” I just want to slide away, and come alive again” is really creepy when sung by a guy who just died from cumming.

Albert Dekker

Dekker is the one on the left. Realistically, the one on the right fueled many of his devious masturbation sessions.

Dekker is the one on the left. Realistically, the one on the right fueled many of his devious masturbation sessions.

You may not know who Albert Dekker is off-hand, but he has starred in many beloved film classics (including East of Eden with James Dean, and The Wild Bunch) and the way he was found may actually be the most insane of any on the list. Dekker was found, blindfolded, in a  bathtub, with a noose around his neck, and a horse’s bit in his mouth. His waist was also chained up with a key dangling from it, that was used to unlock the cuffs on his hands. He also had “cocksucker” written on his throat in lipstick, and a vagina drawn on his stomach. Definitely sounds like there may have been someone else there, huh? Which makes it less masturbatory, and more some kinky sex game gone wrong, but the fact of the matter is, a man doesn’t find himself in that kind of situation unless he willingly puts himself there, atleast a little bit.

How it all went down, we will never know. Frankly, I am grateful for that, this dude sounds creepy.

Kevin Gilbert

You may not know him, but you know his music, because Sheryl Crow stole it.

You may not know him, but you know his music, because Sheryl Crow stole it.

Though more an unknown than any on the list, all you had to do was listen to radio in the late nineties and early 00’s to know you were actually familiar with Kevin’s work. Kevin Gilbert’s story is an epic and tragic one, and you can read it all here, but for the cliff notes: Dated Sheryl Crow for a bit, got her recording gigs on Tuesday nights at a local studio so they could work on music (thus the name of her debut album, Tuesday Night Music Club). He helped write a great deal of songs for her (they met way back during her Michael Jackson back up days) and then when she made it big a few years later, she just pushed him to the side, and barely even gave him credit, even though she STOLE Leaving Las Vegas from him, as well as many other songs and hooks from that album.) This left him broken and betrayed, which they say, led to his final moments, with a black hood over his head, and a chain around his neck, connected to his headboard. A final fuck you to the woman who stole everything from him.

Why he wanted to go out that way, who knows, but who are we to judge?

David Carradine

Funny thing, he is naked from the waist down in this pic.

Funny thing, he is naked from the waist down in this pic.

Man, how weird was this?  A sudden boost of notoriety because of the amazing Kill Bill films, and Carradine is found in a closet, in Bangkok, with a noose tied around his neck, which was also connected to another noose that went to his genitals. So this guy was not only cutting off oxygen to his brain, he was cutting off blood flow to the nuts, which would ensure an even more rapturous orgasm. So much so, it did cause the rapture in him. Funny thing is, it was rigged so all he had to do was stand up to save himself, and he wanted that final sweet relief so badly, it killed him.

Because it happened in Bangkok, there are a great deal of strange conspiracy theories, as there are in most of the cases on this list. I just think it’s kind of  ironic this all took place in Bangkok. I guess I am slightly tasteless like that.  A little research into this one reveals that Carradine was a deviant piece of shit, though, with potential rumors of pedophilia and incest, though never proven.

And finally, a moment of silence for

This Kid, who, literally, masturbated to death.

He may not be famous, but he might as well be.

 

Even semen covered Bill Murray is cooler than you.

Even semen covered Bill Murray is cooler than you.