goonin

This is, literally, the worst news I have EVER gotten about a movie. I would say that when it comes to film, I am a fan of many films in many genres. But, when it comes to the movies I am a “fan boy” for, there are only a handful. First Lost Boys. Original Dawn of the Dead. E.T. Fight Club. And of course, Goonies. I try to never say die just out of respect for that film. As much as there have been sequel talks for this film for decades now, I think we all knew, deep down inside, it just couldn’t happen. Maybe if they made it within five years of the original, they could have pulled it off. But what they would do now, conceptually, would suck. We live in a very different time then the first film, and we need to just realize Goonies was a perfect 80′s time capsule to a much better time, and we need to just leave it alone. Of course, that is not what is happening, as director of the original, Richard Donner, recently admitted that Goonies 2 is actually happening. I will now proceed to tell you why that is the worst idea I have ever heard, and why there is no way it could possibly do anything but rape our childhoods, and we all know, Goonies NEVER say rape.

gooniesnow

Data, Mikey, Stef, Mouth, Andy, Richard Donner, Chunk, and Brand. The gang’s all here!

So many years have passed, and all the cast of the original film are all adults now, so you KNOW how they would probably write Goonies 2? Hollywood is super contrived, so you would get a remake disguised as a part two. Let me explain. To me, this is how it will play out, and it sounds awful:

The kids are all grown up now, so they are adults and have kids of their own. In a SUPER ironic bid, the (building, neighborhood, development, up to you really) that they all miraculously live in is going to shut down to make room for some cool new internet start-up company. Now is it up to the kids of the kids in the first movie to find a way to save the day. They somehow stumble upon the fact that their parents were Goonies, they reform the Goonies (shiny version 2.0) and they proceed to somehow acquire riches (and/or reveal bad guys to be bad guys) and save the day after a wacky 80 minutes of kooky misadventures. 

Keep in mind, that is all pure speculation, but if you know Hollywood well enough, you know that seems highly likely a scenario for the film to follow. Maybe that sounds safe and fun to you guys, but I need to explain why this wont be. First of all, I don’t WANT to know who out of the group got married. If this film has an adult version of Mouth married to an adult version of Stef, this movie is fucked. They were all kids, and as idealistic as it was for them to have crushes and dig each other, NONE of the couples from the Goonies should be seen on-screen again as an older, married couple. Especially when the movie will imply they still like each other, and we all know, that is just not how marriage works. So the scary part is, some of the kids in the movies could be a kid produced from two of the kids from the first film banging. See, it is already sullying the Goonies for us. Well, worse than the shitty N.E.S game already did.

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Good developer. Good License. Shitty game. And an oddly spot-on prediction about the future of the series.

Next up, we live in a very different world, as I stated prior. If you notice, outside of Josh Brolin (who has kind of turned into a monster IRL), all the kids in the Goonies LOOKED like how kids are supposed to look. They were imperfect and annoying at times and none of them were going to win any modeling gigs from the film. But take a minute to think about how they would cast the new Goonies in Goonies 2. The boys will look like they just walked out of a boy band video shoot, and the girls will look like models. The goal of the studios will be to make the girls swoon and the boys drool. They will want crushes to develop from these characters. Sorry to say, but marketability is everything. Take a moment to let that sink in. How AWFUL the good-looking, dressed-like-models kids in Goonies 2 will be? On top of that, modern kids are too busy sending nude pics to one another on Snapchat to care about finding pirate treasure to save their family home. Sad but true. Goonies 2 is bound to fail. The more I think about it, the madder I get.

Next up, we have music. You may think this is menial, but it isn’t. If they are aiming a movie at kids, they want their dollar, and they do this by attacking them on all sides. You know the movie would have a shitty video game tie-in, some fast food toys, and a crappy pop soundtrack that they would pray they could sell ten million units of to the mindless kids (aka consumer zombies) who now populate the world and help make all these fat cats even richer. Big business is WAY bigger than is what when The Goonies first came out, and that could be heart breaking to see. The prostitution of the Goonies for profit. It is the stuff my generation grew up fearing, and it is about to be happening, all around us right now.

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This picture gives me so many feels. The sequel will ruin that for me, forever.

Another important point to take into consideration. If the producers and studios involved (and Richard Donner) were brilliant, this movie would end up being aimed at the generation the first movie touched. People in their 30′s. The people who grew up saying “Goonies never say die” to themselves when we were having a bad day to pump us up. The people who watched that movie so many times, we can quote it word for word. If you intend to make a Goonies sequel for anyone, make it for us. Aim it at us. Make it smart, funny, exciting, and nostalgic. What you DON’T want to do is aim it at modern kids and teens. They will not appreciate it, and be even LESS likely to appreciate it considering how much their parents and teachers all appreciate the original. It has NEVER been cool to like what you parents like, so again, Goonies 2 is the worst idea ever and bound to fail.

goonwell

” …..but down here…down here is OUR time!” I still get chills at that damn speech.

So I beg of all, please, stop this madness. There is no plausible scenario where Goonies 2 can work, and on top of that, can work without ruining the original and just what it means to so many people. That whimpering you are hearing right now is my childhood being raped. Stop it! Stop raping my childhood. It (and the original Goonies movie) deserve better.

So you kids dig this stuff? Well go pop up a “LIKE” over here and we can be friends and make fun of awful sequels together.