How Miami Connection Might Just Be New “Best Worst Movie” I Ever Saw
I love bad movies. Like, REALLY BAD. I think bad movies are awful, but REALLY bad movies do this weird thing were they transcend the bad and become like art to me. And to really have an impact, it has to be a royal flush of awful. The acting has to suck. There have to continuity errors. The writing has to feel stilted and broken. The sets or locations have to be as ugly as the actors. Like I said, everything needs to stack up for it to transcend how bad it is. And no movie in recent memory has had the impact on me like Miami Connection did, last night, when I finally sat down to watch it. To understand just how bad this movie is, it is SO BAD, I actually thought it might be a modern movie, INTENTIONALLY made to look like this. It is awful, perfected, and you have never seen anything quite like it.
First off, before I delve any deeper, you need to watch the trailer:
And believe it or not, that actually makes it look LESS terrible than it actually is.
So where do I even start? What is Miami Connection about? You know, I watched it less than twelve hours ago, and I cannot tell you. I can tell you a few things, though. I think it is about warring bands, who also happen to all be karate masters. They all also happen to be the ugliest humans ever committed to film. The movie has a great deal of katana fatalities (not the Mortal Kombat character, the weapon) and dirt bikes, cuz, you know, all shitty eighties movies HAD to have katanas and dirt bikes. No idea why, just an unspoken rule of the times.
Also, the main characters are in a band called Dragon Sound, who end up looking and sounding like a grown up version of Zack Attack from Saved by the Bell. Don’t believe me? Peep these comparisons, just in song alone. I can’t show you the video for Zack Attack cuz NBC are nazi’s, and they blocked it.
Now check THIS:
Weird, right? Friends Forever becomes Friends for Eternity. Same song, same message. Same shitty, cheesy energy.
Yes, that entire band are our protagonists for this ride through shitsville, and it’s pretty clear, right from the jump, that you are hanging with some cool ass dudes. Okay, not really. The reality is, I have never in my life seen LESS charismatic leads. These men are physically repulsive, and they ooze as much charm as a rapist at a bus stop. Take note that the Asian gentleman in this film is the writer, producer, and director, which explains why he cast himself, even though he was not familiar with the language.
Well, none of the actors seem familiar with the language, really. Or walking around. Or faux fighting. Or emoting. Or, actually, even existing. It is like the are all marionettes, controlled by some slovenly human who has no idea how humans actually interact with each other. And that is why it starts becoming genius, within ten minutes of watching it. It is like a truck filled with neon paint smashed into a bus filled with foreign exchange students, and you just can’t look away from the beautiful wreckage. Here, for your consideration: This scene.
Now I implore all of you, show me ONE SCENE IN MOVIES that can touch that scene. You can show me the OH MY GAWDDD scene from Troll 2. You can show me the GARBAGE DAY scene from the other shitty 80′s movie no one saw. You can even show me flower shop scene from The Room, but I honestly feel like, last night, Miami Connection one upped all those movies, and did so without even trying. I mean, in that scene, one of the guys is in a towel the whole time, for NO REASON. Like, WHAT??!!
And I found myself thinking the same thing for the entirety of my time watching it. How the fuck did I miss this movie for 26 years? Like, really? I am a HUGE cult film fan, and honestly, had never heard one word about this film until last year, when the trailer started buzzing around the web, and Drafthouse films knew enough to snatch it up and redistribute it. Again, let me stress to you how insane this movie is by showing you another scene, out of conext:
Did you hear all the snapping and crackling and popping there just now? It is like the most kickass bowl of cereal EVAR!
There will be times, when you sit and watch this movie, and you will just be watching it, with your mouth hanging open. If you are in a crowd of people watching it for the first time, all your mouths will be hanging open. It is SO comically bad, that even if I gave you a camera right now, and no budget, and you TRIED to recreate all the awful in this film, you wouldn’t be able to. It is awful stacked on awful stacked on awful, and as even the most terrible mathematicians know, when you stack awful three times, it crosses out and you get awesome, squared.
And that, my friends, is exactly what Miami Connection is awesome, in the least awesome of ways, which, in turn, makes it more awesome. And also grants it the glorious title of: The new best worst movie I ever saw. Truth is, I may have to wait decades for something to surpass this, and I am okay with that.
Now, I will see you out with a song: