Listen, no one should ever kill themselves. Suicide is bad. It makes people cry. I, for one, have been surrounded by people who have taken their lives, and it leaves a gaping hole the size of everything in your world.  When I say I am surrounded by them, that is wrong, because  technically, they are dead. I mean, a great deal of people I have loved have chosen suicide as a way out. I mean, even you considered it. I know because you told me. Don’t worry, no one knows I am talking specifically to YOU right now, so don’t get all egocentric on me. Suicide really is an epidemic, and for those of us who live on after someone we love does it, you find yourself wondering what you could have done differently. Makes you feel like you failed that person. Truth be told, though, that person failed you. They chose death as a viable alternative to hanging out with you, or seeing their family, or making music or art. And that is devastating. Do we live in a world that is so overwrought with sadness, people would rather die than draw a picture or play with an animal? Yes. Yes we do. And my thoughts are, if you are going to be a selfish asshole and kill yourself, you may as well do it with some flair, so that the death, in itself, is a work of art. A tragic work of art, just like life. Plus, going out swinging is symbolic of perseverance that may be escaping you at the present time. Read on my fellow bear beaters.

So people get sad and feel hopeless. I get that. Hell, I get that better than most.  I know the place of sadness well. I take comfort in her shelter unintentionally from time to time myself. Hide in her nooks and crannies, as if she were a giant English muffin. The trick, though, is to recognize that sadness, acknowledge it, and move beyond it. But the truth is, there is sadness that is more akin to quicksand than an actual emotional state. It is the kind of sadness that pulls people down, so deep, they see no way out of it. A sadness that permeates into every aspect of their being. And to those people, in those lost moments, death seems like the only way out. And the truth here is, it’s not. There are ALWAYS PEOPLE YOU CAN TALK TO. Sometimes, a good song, or a good laugh can be enough to pull someone out of that sinking state. What if I told you that you could just pop over to here and actually talk to me? Because you can. You really can. Not some robot. Not someone I’ve hired. My Twitter, my site, my Facebook, it is all really me. So if shit gets bad enough, I am here. We all are. But, what if that is not enough? I understand that, too.

This guy is so emo after he hugs his legs, they kill themselves.

So what if you feel like there is no other option than the sweet, sleep of death? I cannot pretend I am God. I can’t just appear in front of you, show you my baby blue persuaders, and everything would be fixed. Trust me, I know.

SO HOW ABOUT WE MAKE A PACT? We Die Naturally Or We Die At The Hands Of Bears Only!?

Not a creepy suicide pact, but a suicide-by-bear pact? An extreme final resort pact? We all promise that we won’t kill ourselves or do anything crazy, but if we do get sad enough or get the urge and all other avenues are tapped dry, we promise we will only die in a bear related stunt. Most preferably, bear-to-human combat. Yes, that’s right. The only way I will accept your suicide is if you die from combat with a bear. And no knives or swords or any other pussy shit. No, hand to claw combat only. Yes, the bear is a tank and will most likely maul you, but you stepping up to a bear and trying that tells me you have EARNED the right to die in my eyes. Will it be tragic? Hell yes. Will I still miss you? Fucking always, yes. But, in those final moments I will remember you like this:

This is an actual photo from when my friend Bruce died tragically while fighting a bear. In Tekken 4. 

Rather than remembering you like this:

Sorry, this one is real. Clear to see he did not win his match.

Actually, I still could end up remembering you like that second pic, depending on how it plays out, but it is an epic out, regardless. Also, in case none of you can tell so far, the bear in question here is all a metaphor for the cruel ferocity of life. If you jump off a bridge or something, there is no final shot at the bear. But by “fighting the bear”, you are willingly facing your demons and justly, if you lose, you are going out super-epic style. Like, yeah, life really beat that Remy guy down, but he died fighting a bear, so in essence, he wins life. You know?

I need to make a couple of things clear, though. You CANNOT jump into a bear habitat at the zoo. That does NOT count. Those bears have been desensitized to humans, and rarely have cubs around, so that fight would be weak (and honestly, this already happens a lot). No, it needs to be like that movie Legends Of The Fall. You need to fight a wild bear. Preferably over a hat. A gentleman’s quarrel gone off the rails, if I may.

Yes, that is old Brad Pitt, dying in a man-on-bear brawl.

My point here is we all get sad, and we all get hopeless from time to time, and that’s okay. That is just the way life swings its pendulum sometimes. But we are NOT allowed to press pause on that sadness and stay inside it forever, lest it eat us up. So, when the sadness feels that big, and that overwhelming, and it feels like there is no one there asking if you are okay or need a hug, I am here. Otherwise, perhaps there is a bear out there somewhere that wants to fight you to the death. That is one suicide I can get behind. And think, if you beat the bear, you will be a fucking superhero. Bye bye depression and sadness. Imagine the mustache you could grow if you survived that encounter? Boggles the mind.

So listen, deal with it, go fight a bear, or shut the fuck up. No one ever said life was going to be easy.

This guy fucking did it. No joke. This guy beat his bear in a fist fight and it honestly only cost him an eye. I don’t know if you know how much ass a guy with an eyepatch gets, but it is in the high thousands.