Can we talk about nudity for a second without everyone getting all freaked out? First off, there won’t be any nudity in this piece, so if you are already panicking about seeing something you don’t want to, just save yourself the worry. Now, I do understand female nudity has been prevalent in cinema forever, and I know this article may rile some feathers, but the real reason I am writing this is because I choose to pose a simple question to the reader: Why have I seen so many penises in mainstream movies in the last decade, yet no vagina?

I understand that woman reading this want to immediately scream out “about time” regarding male nudity, because the nudity of woman has been exploited in movies since the inception of moving pictures themselves. And I can understand that, but to those woman I pose an honest question? Are boobs and penises the same thing in terms of cinematic nudity? Because honestly, I have seen many actresses boobs, no doubt. But I have not seen ANY actresses vagina’s.

I am talking to you, Miss Theron.

But in direct opposition to that, I have seen quite a few actor’s penises in the last half decade, though every single one was unintentional. So again, it begs the question, should all private parts be treated equal? 

I mean, think about it. From Michael Fassbender in Shame to Jason Biggs in American Reunion, these are mainstream actors in mainstream films from mainstream Hollywood, so what is going on? You MAY see a famous actress’s breasts in a film, or maybe a bare ass, but let’s be real here, they show man-ass on prime time TV. We have been somewhat desensitized to breasts and ass, and that is a direct result of mainstream media and the influx of what we see daily.

But the thing about female nudity that no one ever says is: they never show labia.

Sorry, I kinda lied about no nudity in the piece.

Please understand, this is by no means a plea for Hollywood to “show me some actress labia”. This is not a pro-labia speech, nor is it an anti-cock speech. It is simply me bringing to attention this issue, so we can discuss it.

Why is it suddenly OK to show pecker? Like, full on pecker shots, sometimes that linger? Even on the few occasions when Hollywood did show us the South side of a naked woman, there was always bush. Always. The only example woman can make outside of that is Basic Instinct, and even then, it is blink-and-you’ll-miss-it. And truthfully, no one cared. Men made about one tenth as collective a hoot and holler as woman have recently for Magic Mike.

Is it just me, or does this look like a Zoolander pose-off?

Again, to put it in perspective, here is a list of actors who have shown their man-bits for the sake of art:

Ewan McGregor

Thomas Jane

Jason Segel

Channing Tatum

Michael Fassbender

Alexander Skarsgad

Bruce Willis

Kevin Bacon

Mark Ruffalo

Michael Pitt

Yes, you just read that right. Hulk, The Punisher, and Magneto have all showed their little superheroes on film before. Christ, even Bart Simpson showed his animated wang. And again, my reason for bringing all this up is, how many actresses have actually “bared” it all? Now I know it is not a contest, and I know it is not a competition. It is up to the individual actor or actress what they choose to do, and I am not picking a fight with either side, I am simply asking why?

I fully recognize the dehumanization of woman through the media, but aren’t we at a point when they can just so NO to Maxim?

Now I also fully recognize that some of the male nudity shots mentioned above are made for laughs (mainly, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the pecker scene from Walk Hard) and I can appreciate that. But even then, when was the last time a female was fully naked on screen, head to toe, all of her revealed, and played for laughs?

Surprising to think of it in those terms, huh?

It is understandable that some people may take to the comments after reading this and bring up that terrible phase in seventies exploitation cinema, the rape-revenge movie. The movies like I Spit On Your Grave and They Call Her One Eye. But we do better not even bringing those up when we discuss film, because those aren’t so much films as they are attempts to push the boundaries of good taste.

We need to understand the line between cinema and trash, and not cross it, or else we will just derail.

And even in movies like “They Call Her One Eye” they were just as quick to show man bits as they were lady bits. Exploitation cinema draws no lines of decency.

And I do recall, from my youth, those movies that crossed the line. The movies young boys were not supposed to see. A perfect example of this is Revenge of the Nerds. Revenge of the Nerds was the first time in my life I saw the vah jay-jay. And you know what? It f*cking terrified me! It looked like this:

Even you freaked out for a second, and this is just a brillo pad. 

Do you realize how UNSEXY that is? I knew I wasn’t supposed to see it, and I knew it was because it had nudity, but I had no idea the real reason I wasn’t supposed to see it was because it would terrify me away from female genitals until my teens. And even then, they were still like a Salvador Dali painting to me. But it’s cool, because that is just when I was starting to appreciate art, anyway.

My point is, whenever there was female nudity on screen, it was a pair of boobs (which you could pretty much see at any Poison concert) and a monster bush. And now that we have paved the way and made male nudity more acceptable on screen, there is nothing you can do but a cock shot. A straight on cock-shot. You can’t grow a “bush” over your penis. So any pecker shot usually boils down to being just that, a pecker shot. And how is that OK?

Aw, look, they are both insecure as a result of the media’s war against woman.

So now you Remlins must be thinking, what is the point of this article? The point is, the script has flipped. And I just feel like it should either stop flipping ( i.e chill on the cock shots) or it should flip over again, and I should see more actress labia.

If your wife or lady knows what Channing Tatum’s pecker looks like, don’t you think you have the right to know what Scarlett Johanson’s “Black Widow” looks like?

Or, as an alternative, everyone put your genitals away.

The End.

Yeah, I thought so.