I guess being part of the web-o-sphere, I should partake in the same silly rituals the big boys and girls do, huh? I’ve written stupid lists like them, I’ve tweeted desperately at celebrities like them, and I’ve even been underpaid for years like most of them, so why not just jump in the deep end at this point? I realize this should all be inner monologue, but now that a few people actually listen, I don’t have that anymore. It all comes out. Even this shallow and transparent attempt to fit in with my more successful interweb kin. Here goes nothing….
How goes it, man? I imagine it goes pretty well. Billions of dollars and the ability to wear hoodies everywhere. Every shitty American’s dream, right? Crazy to think how you achieved that by stealing someone else’s better idea than yours. Again, so American. I am surprised you don’t have flag stripes tattooed on your dick. I mean, I don’t know that you don’t, but whatever. Your Asian wife could find that off-putting, now that I think about it. Anyway, I am actually writing you this on an open forum for a very particular reason. You see, Facebook doesn’t really have any customer service. Why? Because you know you will get flayed for your shittiness, and don’t want to deal with that. It’s cool, it fits with how you built your name. Cowardice and backwards business practices. All good, but I am having a HUGE issue with your social media platform, and thought if I couldn’t get hold of you directly, maybe if I was a shady dick like you, it would work for me like it’s worked for you, so here we are. I actually just wanted to take a moment to ask you publicly about how you are dealing with people’s public Facebook profiles as of late. You know, that thing where you take away “likes” of people who are inactive. But let’s be real for a second and call it what it really is. You are deleting likes from pages that don’t fucking pay to promote their posts. That is extremely fucked up, and you need to be called out about it by someone who is as much of a smug prick as you. That, my friend, would be me right now. I’M that guy. Let’s dance.
There are some movies out there that are SO bad, you can honestly and proudly say you have never seen them. Mr. Nanny starring Hulk Hogan should be on that list. It is a movie NO ONE should see. If you had to choose between having your eyes fingered by a creepy priest, or watching this film, you should get your eyes fingered. But, for those of us who have seen this movie, we saw one of the weirdest, most unexplained background shot in all of cinema. It may fill you with rage, it may seem fairly harmless and playful, but I can promise you this. You will never for the life of you forget it. It was also the inspiration for this new column, ‘Did You See That’ (which like most of my columns, I will probably run once or twice and forget about). Did You See That is not like Why Haven’t You Seen It. Why Haven’t You Seen It is more addressing an entire movie you need to see that not enough people have. Whereas, Did You See That will choose to deeply examine one moment in a movie, be it passing or background, that clearly should have had more of an impact than it did. In this case, the dog tossing from Mr. Nanny will be what we are exploring. Yes, you read that correctly. This shit is twisted.
I am the jaded gamer. The voice that sits deep down inside everyone who has been playing video games for 20 years or more and feels like they have seen it all. The voice that gets annoyed at red barrels and helicopter bosses still being thrown at us regularly. The voice that tells you the level design could be better or that the A.I seems like it took the short bus. Today, for the first time, that voice comes out. Today, the Jaded Gamer is officially born. The first topic I will be exploring are overused tropes and gameplay mechanics in gaming followed by the simple question as to why they still exist. While I normally delegate my nerd stuff to the geek sites I write for, I wanted to commit this column to print and lock it down before I inevitably forgot I thought of it. Also, not touching on Gamergate yet, as that is its own issue.
Nobody likes clowns. Nobody. The idea of a grown man dressed up in a disguise and manhandling children just shouldn’t be appealing to anyone. John Wayne Gacy surely did not help this issue at all. But oddly enough, clowns and horror movies have not gone as hand-in-hand as most would like to assume. The sad reality is, when people bring up killer clown movies, everyone mentions the movie IT. The problem is, we are all scared by IT because we saw IT when we were kids. If you watched that movie now, outside of the opening scene in the drain, the movie is actually quite dated and funny. I always feel it is my civic duty as a horror guy to correct people and let them know there are some AWESOME killer clown movies, and IT is not one of them. No offense meant to the awesome portrayal of Pennywise by the brilliant Tim Curry. He was great, but was also in about ten minutes of screen time in the whole two hundred hour TV movie. Just saying. Also, IT had a scene where fortune cookies sprout spider legs and scurry around a table. Sorry, but that is way more awesome and hilarious than scary. Now these seven killer clown movies, on the other hand….