I am the jaded gamer. The voice that sits deep down inside everyone who has been playing video games for 20 years or more and feels like they have seen it all. The voice that gets annoyed at red barrels and helicopter bosses still being thrown at us regularly. The voice that tells you the level design could be better or that the A.I seems like it took the short bus. Today, for the first time, that voice comes out. Today, the Jaded Gamer is officially born. The first topic I will be exploring are overused tropes and gameplay mechanics in gaming followed by the simple question as to why they still exist. While I normally delegate my nerd stuff to the geek sites I write for, I wanted to commit this column to print and lock it down before I inevitably forgot I thought of it. Also, not touching on Gamergate yet, as that is its own issue.
Nobody likes clowns. Nobody. The idea of a grown man dressed up in a disguise and manhandling children just shouldn’t be appealing to anyone. John Wayne Gacy surely did not help this issue at all. But oddly enough, clowns and horror movies have not gone as hand-in-hand as most would like to assume. The sad reality is, when people bring up killer clown movies, everyone mentions the movie IT. The problem is, we are all scared by IT because we saw IT when we were kids. If you watched that movie now, outside of the opening scene in the drain, the movie is actually quite dated and funny. I always feel it is my civic duty as a horror guy to correct people and let them know there are some AWESOME killer clown movies, and IT is not one of them. No offense meant to the awesome portrayal of Pennywise by the brilliant Tim Curry. He was great, but was also in about ten minutes of screen time in the whole two hundred hour TV movie. Just saying. Also, IT had a scene where fortune cookies sprout spider legs and scurry around a table. Sorry, but that is way more awesome and hilarious than scary. Now these seven killer clown movies, on the other hand….
There is a part of me that doesn’t understand this. We are obviously in an age when no one is safe (and no phone is safe from the prying hacks of slime balls). So why, when the risk of a naked shot of a nude celebrity leaking out being so high, would celebrities still be taking nude photos of themselves on their phone? The smartest have figured out that if they don’t take any nudes, no nudes will ever leak. But this poses a greater question: should women be punished into being non-sexual creatures because of shitty, slimy hackers and faceless fappers? Well, no, they shouldn’t. But can’t we be brave enough to assume they know the risk? Has narcissism and nudity crossed paths and finally reached a zenith? So many questions.
Facebook and social media has changed the definition of the word “friend.” Where once it meant someone we cared for and would go out of our way to help, now it means person we may have met once in high school, or, person we worked with for two weeks back in 1999. You wake up one day and realize your world is filled with “friends” who you really don’t know that well and are not sure if you are actually friends with in the purest sense of the word. So what do you do to determine if someone is worthy of your time and attention and energy? Easy, you take them out for Chinese food. Fate will let the rest play out on its own.
The reality is, sometimes life sucks. It just does. Some people get shit on by life. It happens. We can all turn our heads or pretend it doesn’t exist, but it does. Hell, some of us HAVE those lives. While it may be easier to pretend they don’t exist or to not think about it, there are some movies that just grab your face and hold it up to that aspect of life. You walk away from some movies with a skip in your step because of all the wonderful things you just witnessed. Other movies you walk away from changed, aware the world could break you at any moment if it chooses. Here are six movies that make you feel awful for their lead characters (because their lives are such nonstop, flowing cesspool you cannot help but feel like you are drowning in that shit with them). Also, beware, list is FULL OF SPOILERS!