So as I am sure many of you know (and a few of you reminded me), this past weekend was the first weekend in decades that there were no Saturday morning cartoons in over 50 years. When I first heard this, I was filled with so much rage I am pretty sure I had steam coming out of my ears (*Saturday morning cartoon visual cue). How the fuck can such a crucial element to childhood development (that line’s rhyming scheme was not pre-planned) be suddenly rendered obsolete? Well, I have the answer to that question, as well as the reason this will all backfire and we will be stuck in a future run by people NOT raised on cartoons, meaning the tools and douchebags shall inherit the Earth. Yes, it is THAT serious. Read on and please share if you agree. We need spread the word that is pretty fucked up.
I really want to write a “so bad it’s good” horror/science fiction movie for the Syfy Network. I love horror, I love B movies, and I love the idea of satire, so the idea that perhaps, someday, I could meld those three loves in a ménage à trois is incredibly appealing to me. I also want to do something decidedly different with my hypothetical movie. I want it to be self-aware. They say recent Syfy movies (like Sharknado) are self-aware and that they are poking fun at themselves. Yes, maybe in concept alone, but not literally. So I am here to pitch the first FULLY self-aware horror-comedy hybrid for the Syfy network. It is called Space Bears, and it is exactly as awesome as it sounds. I thought rather than write out some long-winded version of the story, the best way to do this would be for me to write out my opening scene, so you can all get a literal taste of what I am talking about. I’ll tell you right now, Space Bears has the chance to be a game-changer in the right hands. The Syfy Network ARE those hands.
Why do we like dark films? What is it that draws us to the horror genre? It is an age-old question that has existed since the inception of the genre itself, and in many ways, it is philosophical in root, because there is no one answer, nor is there is a right answer to the question. It should also be said that it is a question asked of me and horror fans like me all the time by people are openly NOT fans of the genre. Being scared is thought of as a negative emotion in real life, so why would one want to incur it willingly? While I can not speak for everyone who is a horror fan in the following article, I can speak for myself, and I believe in that process, will be speaking for many like me. It is not the idea that we like seeing people hurt. It is the idea that we can escape into a world darker than our own, but we can do so with the ability to come back at any time.
I would say, all in all, for an orgy thrown by a bunch of people who have never thrown one, it went pretty well. That being said, I did decide to do this thing in my apartment, which left me with a lot of cleaning up to do, and a lot of lingering scents to remind me of our missteps. I thought, rather than silently brood about the aspects of our love-in that bothered me, I would write-up a quick list from some notes I took that I thought would be best to pass along to the rest of the party-goers. Not sure when the next orgy will be, but as long as we follow some of these simple rules, I think it will be even better. Oh, and to Alicia, yes, we will pay for the dry cleaning. Some of us misjudge our trajectory and how gravity works. Sorry about that. In the same breath, wearing Louis Vuitton to an orgy seems a pretty stupid idea. Just saying, might as well get this out now while we are all being honest.
I found a list yesterday online that was titled “The Ten Scariest Movies on Netflix”, and on that list was Insidious 2. As soon as I saw that, I knew I had to write a list of scary movies to watch on Netflix, right now (as of 9/17/2014) because that list was such total and utter shit that I could not let it go uncontested. No, I will not link to it, nor will I say what site I saw it on. I will say that list was absolute shit, the writer had no clue what they were talking about, and I thought I would just contest it with a better list. Let the movies speak for themselves, as such. Keep in mind, I learned from the first time I wrote one of these and I date them in the headline now, in case some of the films are eventually no longer available. As of time if publish, all five horror films included here were available on Netflix instant. Alright, let’s do this.