Ah, summer. With the scratch of your claws still stinging the flesh of my back, I bid you adieu. Not only do I bid you adieu, I stand on the balcony, flipping you off with both hands as you walk off into the distance. Some folks look at Labor Day as a sad day. A day of mourning, as they lay summer in her shallow grave for another 9 months. Some folks hang their heads heavy, speaking of how the shorter, colder days make them sad. They talk about summer like she was the greatest lay they ever had. Like she had some magical pixie dust she sprinkled on their f*cking faces every day that made their lives seem like a Disney movie, minus all the dead parents. Thing is, that was not my summer. As I am sure many of you noticed, I vanished pretty early in summer, and was not heard from much in the interim. Do you know why? Summer had me locked in a basement and came down only to feed my gruel and shove a finger in my arse. Summer would beat me into submission, only to wake me so it could beat me some more. It was like the movie Martyrs. I, for one, am so grateful to see this summer come to end. Truth is, I wish I could put its face against a curb and just bring a boot down on its jaw. To most everyone else, autumn means death. Death of nature, of welcoming weather, of beach trips and cook outs. To me, this autumn is a birth. Something utterly beautiful, but I had to live through the hell that was this summer to get here. Was it worth it? Well, I survived, didn’t I? That says it all.
I heard a story many years back that haunted me. It was the kind of thing you hear and it immediately changes the way you look at the world. It was about a very broken woman leaving her husband for another man. The kicker was that the man she was leaving her husband for was not a man she intended to have a relationship with. It was not a man she wanted to fall in love with and have save her. That is silly thinking. It was a man she was going to have kill her. It was not until 2008 until someone decided to take this story and make it into a film. The reality is, we will never truly know what that woman’s real mindset was, but someone made a (somewhat speculative) and engrossing movie out of the story. I will also tell you it is bleak and heart breaking, but feels honest in an area where most movies would fear to tread. This is another messed up movie (that you should watch). This is Downloading Nancy.
Okay, so there was this girl. By the way, anytime, any guy tells you an insane story, and it doesn’t begin like that, he is lying. That is the source of most of the stupid shit men do. To try to impress one (or many) girls. It is often brazen and a bit stupid, but the best of us learn and grow from it (and sort of learn to just be ourselves, eventually). But a guy in his early twenties will do some awfully stupid shit. Like the time I lied myself, who was deathly afraid of heights (and still is) into having to jump out of a plane at 10,000 feet to impress a girl. Did I mention that was the first f*cking plane I was ever in? Yeah, that is essential in all this. Afraid of heights, afraid of flights, and I jumped out of a f*cking plane. This story is not being told to make me look cool by the way. As you will slowly figure out, it is an ode to being honest, lest you find yourself in as asinine (yet kind of awesome) a position was in.
My Interview With Lauren Ashley Carter (of Jug Face and The Woman) About Hollywood, Gender, and Cheese
I want you all to practice saying Lauren Ashley Carter’s name now, because we will be speaking it a lot in the future. Having starred alongside Pollyanna McIntosh in The Woman (a good friend of the site), and starred in Jug Face (which many of you know I made my Best Of list for 2013), she is becoming an undeniable rising star in cinema. Thanks to the magical powers of Twitter and her kindness, she agreed to do a back-and-forth with me about some of the movies she has been in, some she plans on being in, and just why she has such a fondness for the horror genre. She also has a fondness for cheese, which I would come to find out later on, and only made me like her more. Sweet, honest, driven, and hilarious, here is my back-and-forth with actress (producer, and cheese connoisseur) Lauren Ashley Carter.
All this article should be is the above photo and the word YES in bold letters. But that would not be that much fun of a read for my REMlins, so we might as well open this wound and play with it a little, shall we? *Coughs and clears throat. There he stood, atop a cliff, with streaks of lightning darting the sky behind him. His jacket was torn open, as the wind whipped it at his back like the cloak of a martyr. All around him, massive stones started falling to Earth, inexplicably. Amid all this, his long locks of black hair hung is his face, just so, like tendrils of ink. Is this the second coming of some shitty, hipster Jesus? Well, as much as they would like you to think so, no. This is the music video for Arms Wide Open by the band Creed. A band so awful, so cheesy, so contrived, I dare to ask: was Creed the worst band of all time? Let’s delve a little further, shall we (even though we all know the answer already).