There is a moment in everyone’s life where the thin line between fiction and reality melts into one. That odd moment when you realize you just learned something from pop culture that you somehow, ignorantly, didn’t know. While sometimes, we revel in these moments of unfiltered learnery (totally not a word I just made up), other times, the very things we learn shake us to our core. Like someone ran a diamond of truth down our mirror of lies. If some Remy groupie doesn’t get that last line tatted across her lower back I will be very disappointed. How are you supposed to be my acolytes if you don’t rightfully observe those moments of pure brilliance? I should probably delete that last line. Not the good line, but the line about the good line. You still with me? Good, I’m not either. Anyway, onto the list about greatest animated strippers. Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, fucked up life lessons from films. Okay, on to that!
Six Hilariously Cheesy Nineties Music Videos (or) Six Homosexual Groups That Mostly Spell Their Name Wrong And PretendTo Be Straight
I have finally distanced myself enough from the 90′s to see how silly it was at times, and how seriously it took itself. It is a fact that every generation mocks the generation before it, and I was so busy focusing on 80′s videos, I forgot that the 90′s had just as much cheese, despite however I may choose to look back on my younger self. The truth is, in twenty years, all the world will look back at the 2000′s, laughing that we ever made woman like Gaga and Minaj famous, so the nineties are still pretty badass, comparatively, but these six videos are still so bad it is hard for me to fathom they are real. Rest assured, they ARE real. Also, let it be known, being gay is cool, and if you want to be closeted, that is also fine. I have no issues with people who are gay. My issue lies in people who pretend to be something they aren’t. Like, in this case, cool. Also, despite how racist and homophobic this may all seem at times, my first girlfriend was a black guy, so chill out. That’s not true, but she was black, and she may have had a penis for all I know. Anyway, on to the videos. And bring some nachos, cuz this shit gets real cheesy, real quick.
Soma, from the book Brave New World, was the first fictitious drug I ended up ever hearing about. Yet, in an ironic twist of fate, Soma is an actual drug now (and an amazing Smashing Pumpkins song). The idea of a mass-produced drug, made to numb us all, actually being mass-produced, and made to numb us all, is rather disconcerting. In the same breath, if Soma became real, how far away are we from some of these other drugs becoming real? Well, realistically speaking, these drugs will never be actual drugs, but I had no idea how to open this article, so that Soma angle seemed to fit. Anyway, here are six fictitious drugs from movies and literature, that I would most likely take if I could. Not because I am insane, or a druggy, but because they sound (and in some cases, look) f*cking awesome. Be forewarned, the reported side-effects from this post are dizziness and nausea, with potential restless legs at bed time, which we all know is the worst time for restless legs.
A good friend and I were smoking a joint the other day and talking about potential fashion trends for the forthcoming year, when he mentioned that he hopes the “merkin” makes a return. I laughed out loud, pretending I knew what that was, when in fact, I didn’t. I thought the word sounded funny, but outside of that, I knew nothing. I decided instead of being an ass, I would actually ask him, and he proceeded to tell me it is a pubic wig. Holy fuck, a pubic wig?! All this did was flood me with awe and even more questions than when I didn’t know what it was. Why? What context? How does it stay on? What does it look like? He then told me he never looked one up, he just knew about it. I then made it my responsibility to learn all I could about the merkin. You might want to put a plastic bag on the wall behind you, because your mind is about to be blown.
I have learned I need direction in life. And directions. I need directions. If I am not told where to go, and instructed slightly on what to do, I float around, aimlessly. In my own life, this has resulted in being lost, proverbially and otherwise, for long chunks of time. Life has addressed this slightly by putting GPS into everything. Basically, my phone is the one thing that can keep me from mistakenly driving into a river, or some similar scenario. You wouldn’t think that the best way to open an article about open-world video games, yet let me explain why it’s perfect. Growing up, when I first started playing games, they went from left to right. That was it. Could you get lost? Well, in most early games, no. Even an idiot like me could figure out where to go next. Even the old NES games that went in all directions (think overhead view like the original Legend of Zelda) still kept things on a relatively small scope. But as game systems have progressed, so have games. Mario 64 was the first example of 3D gaming I really remember playing, and ofcourse, I was constantly lost. And that wasn’t even an open world game, but that set the tone for me. When granted sudden bursts of freedom, I am a lot like a dog in the sense that I will wander blindly for hours and then it will slowly dawn on me how lost I am, but it will already be too late so I will just perpetuate it. Now apply that idea to a game as large as Skyrim, or Far Cry 3, and you see why there is a problem. And the biggest problem, this shit is like crack to me. Delicious, virtual crack.