All this article should be is the above photo and the word YES in bold letters. But that would not be that much fun of a read for my REMlins, so we might as well open this wound and play with it a little, shall we? *Coughs and clears throat. There he stood, atop a cliff, with streaks of lightning darting the sky behind him. His jacket was torn open, as the wind whipped it at his back like the cloak of a martyr. All around him, massive stones started falling to Earth, inexplicably. Amid all this, his long locks of black hair hung is his face, just so, like tendrils of ink. Is this the second coming of some shitty, hipster Jesus? Well, as much as they would like you to think so, no. This is the music video for Arms Wide Open by the band Creed. A band so awful, so cheesy, so contrived, I dare to ask: was Creed the worst band of all time? Let’s delve a little further, shall we (even though we all know the answer already).
If you are a horror fan, you sort of become numb to certain types of kills in horror films. A perfect example of that being the (way over used and inaccurate) throat slash. You see it so much, you now see it in OTHER genres. It is just one of those things that happens to horror fans. We begin to tire of seeing the same old thing, and expecting it to get a reaction from us just doesn’t work. But you know what seems to get a reaction from me in horror films no matter how much I see it? When someone gets their achilles heel slashed, scissored, or otherwise maimed in any way. It is one of those kills that always gets a guttural reaction from me. It is as if, in the moments when I see these scenes, I can’t walk. As if someone reached from under my couch with a pair of scissors while I was watching and did the same thing to me that I am seeing on-screen. It is messed up, but I love that it makes such a huge impression on me. With that monologue out-of-the-way, here are five achilles cutting scenes that will make your ankles ache.
I can understand why PG-13 first started. It started because the brilliant Steven Spielberg liked to scar children while entertaining them. Not even kidding you. Movies that he was essential in (like Jaws and Poltergeist) are one of the reasons that the PG-13 rating exists today. It is supposed to let parents and kids know that the movie MIGHT have some scary stuff or darker subject tones, but it wont have R-rated levels brutality and nudity. But something awful has happened lover time. Movie companies have figured out that PG-13 age is the target demographic most likely to spend whatever money they have on a movie and on merchandise, because all of their income is expendable and because they have no taste. This means most movies are being asked to cater to that rating now. The thing is, these movies have pushed the boundaries further and further as to what they can and cannot get away with. Let me explain…..
In the last five years, the internet has really taken to retarded animals. I am not saying that to be mean. I am the ONE person who is being truthful about this trend. I also support it 100%. If it has to do with animals, I am all about it. Truthfully, not all of them are retarded. Some of them are just “different”. Should I say “special needs”? I dunno. Either way, PC or not, I am cool with it, but we should all be honest about it. We got a thing for deformed or special needs animals. It’s true. Anyway, it’s a good thing. I think pets in general are truly the saviors of our species. I think, in our darkest hours, many of us have been inadvertently saved by a lick to the face or a nuzzle from an animal in our lives. I say this because lately, the buzz has gone from Grumpy cat (which falls into the “special needs” category, but is awesome regardless) to Pig the dog. So who is Pig the dog, you ask? Well, I am really glad you just figuratively asked me that.
A few things I should probably address right off the jump, because I know some of you may be thinking it. The first thing many people will think is why. Of all the places to end up, why in God’s name would you allow yourself to end up at Walmart on LSD?! Well, the truth is, I had a “sitter” at the time who was not on LSD (my first mistake) and she “needed some stuff” and thought the place might bug me out a little. I was tripping so I looked at it as a sort of challenge, and had no choice but to accept it. Second, for the sake of professionalism, we will pretend this happened years ago. The fact of the matter is, it doesn’t matter when it happened. Through my own watery eyes I saw the death of the American dream. I saw human slugs pulling themselves along medically white tiled aisles, leaving trails of slime behind them. It was like I opened up the devil’s unwashed asshole and crawled inside in the dead of Summer. But half way through the disgusting experience, something amazing happened. Something that reminded me who I was. Reminded me of my part in all this. We will get to that. First, the Hell part. Always gotta crawl through Hell first.