There has been a trend popping up on the web in the last two weeks involving two sentence horror stories. And as much as I have read a few of them and been fairly impressed, I have this odd feeling gnawing at the back of my mind, that I could do better than most of the stuff I’ve read so far. That is not to detract from anyone’s work, and just the concept of it is awesome, so props to all involved, but really, the two sentence format makes a great deal of sense for horror, and is perfect for my ADD brand of writing. You see, those two sentences, those are the payoff to any short story. That is the proverbial horror money shot. The stuff all the filler has been growing towards. It cuts out all the “John was an older man, looking haggard and exhausted on his feet, but always refusing to sit down” type of shit, and just gets right to the good stuff. It is the short story version of French horror films. No filler, no bullshit, just the good stuff. Also, there is a simple element in making these work, and I will tell you what that is after the jump.
Something happened when I talked about A Serbian Film. People started coming out of the woodwork, telling me they took my article as a sort of ”challenge”, and in almost every case, they wish they hadn’t. They subjected themselves to the movie when I told them they shouldn’t, and it messed with some of them as badly as it messed with me. And the odd thing is, I have no problem recommending dark films to people, but I genuinely, at no point, was recommending anyone see a Serbian Film. Truth is, I was warning most people against it. And though I am not warning people against Dogtooth, I can safely say this movie is not for everyone. While not nearly as intense or fucked up as the aforementioned movie, Dogtooth is still a dark and often perverse ride, and one that never chooses to look away from the horrors it conveys. Decidedly slower than Serbian Film but a great deal more realistic, Dogtooth takes the idea of the family dynamic as you know it forever changes it. And as fucked up as this movie is at times, I found Dogtooth to be a wildly unsettling movie, and a genius movie at that. Relax, I know few have seen the film, so there will be no spoilers in this article. Like I have said before, I don’t want to spoil it, I simply want to make you NEED to see it.
It seems most people assume I am dark and nihilistic all the time. But honestly, that is not the case. I have a pet dwarf bunny named Beatbox who is the shit, and I cuddle him like a child. I drink atleast three glasses of tea everyday. And the one show I have watched more than any other show EVER is a show about a basket filled with mystery ingredients that get thrust upon some (willing) chefs. The show is called Chopped, and I am finally confident enough in myself that I can openly admit that I think I have pretty much watched every episode. So many episodes, in fact, that my guess rate for who will get Chopped and who will win is hanging at a staggering 95%, and I have also sensed algorithms in the winners. In other words, I have watched so many episodes of Chopped, I am delusional enough to think I could actually ATLEAST make it to the second round. Read through after the jump to learn all my Chopped secrets. I can feel my “cult movie” cred dropping with each word I type.
Dads are kinda badass, but often only when they need to be. If they could, they would chill and drink beer and watch TV all the time, but as soon as you fuck with their family, some primal shit kicks in. And nowhere is this trait exemplified quite like Hollywood. Think about it, how many times in real life has one of your friend’s Dads had to pretty much kill an entire third world Country just to ensure the safety of his child? Probably none, unless your life is way more exciting (and slightly more traumatizing) than mine. But if Hollywood is accurate, and we ALL know it is, all your Dads are just one bad day away from becoming a murderous yet heroic savage, willing to do whatever it takes to make sure his family, and maybe as a cool side plot, all the world, is safe. Here are five cinematic Dads who kick so much ass, their shoes stink of it.
You think you can fathom what these people do, but you can’t, and you shouldn’t. You don’t want to know why they do what they do. You don’t want, at any point, to be able to understand the places they go when they kill, or what kind of mindset they were in while killing. Because the minute you understand them, you are them. You can only observe a monster so long from the shadows before you become that monster. And in case you think you do understand, I am here to remind you, using their words, that you don’t. You can’t. And be thankful for that.
” We serial killers are your sons, we are your husbands, we are everywhere. And there will be more of your children dead tomorrow”
I feel like half the world woke up in the last week and figured 0ut SyFy channel was brilliant after SHARKNADO changed the game of TV movies forever. Thing is, I have known this forever. Sharknado is just one in a very long line of amazing, shlocky movies that SyFy chruns out on the regs, and I wanna be part of that machine. When I think about ideal places to write, I cannot help but daydream about writing for the SyFy channel. So I decided instead of just sitting around and talking about it, I would think of some sick pitches for movies that would PROVE I would fit wonderfully with that network. Not only that, I decided to go so far as to make my own SyFy movie on my phone, called Space Gorillas, that ALSO demonstrates my other inherent desire, which is to die in atleast ONE SyFy movie at some point in my life. So think of this article as a sort of working resume I am sending straight to SyFy. Though you may find this article enjoyable, if all goes well, this will be the article that changes my life. Alright, that might be a little extreme, but I like to dream big. Anyway, on to the good stuff.
Sometimes, with popular fiction, we take whatever mythos that is handed to us, and we take it how they give it to us, without question. We see the protagonist as the protagonist because that is what we are told to do. And we see the antagonist as the antagonist because we are told to. But sometimes, when we get older, we develop different perspectives, and it gives us the chance to look back at something from our youth with a brand new set of eyes, seeing it entirely differently in the process. Now, for your approval, I present to you my reasons why Obi-Wan Kenobi was an obvious sociopath, and pretty much the real antagonist of the Star Wars series. I know this will piss some rabid fans off, so please, atleast read the whole thing before you toss me into that proverbial Sarlac pit in your mind.
Even though the world is falling apart before our eyes, I am learning to really love the time we are in right now. We have a (practically) black president, cartoons have never been more widely supported and loved as they are right now (thank you, Pixar), and we are starting to understand, as a whole, that love is love, and as long as it is consensual and between two adults, who cares about silly details? And another way this shift in thinking is represented is by male bromances in popular culture. For the first time in forever, it’s okay for guys to be kind of sexually ambiguous with each other. And for that reason, I would like to take a quick look at my favorite guy “couples” in pop culture, even if they may not openly be couples. Also, Bert and Ernie will not be on this list, for no other reason than I am not as perverted as you people, and I do not see any sexual tension between two puppets. Not saying it’s not there, just letting you know that my innocent child eyes never picked up on it.
You may all remember Jemaine Clement as part of the New Zealand folk rock comedy duo, Flight of the Conchords. And if you do NOT know Flight of the Conchords, what in the Hell is wrong with you? Not only did they perfect funny music before The Lonely Island did, they had one of the funniest shows ever on H.B.O, even though it only lasted only two seasons. And though we got to know them as Jemaine and Bret, what most don’t know is, even in the wake of Flight of the Conchords, Jermaine Clement has remained a scene stealing genius, pretty much owning every single movie he is in, even if he is in it, in some cases, for a collected five minutes. I need you all to trust me on this, let’s take a moment to bask in the brilliance of Jermaine Clement. Also, this is no dig on Bret at all, the other half of Flight. Love that guy, too, but come on, he just won an Oscar. Dude seems to be doing fine. Plus, I am a Jemaine guy, and I can admit that.
Chances are, if you are younger than twenty, you may not know this 2001 R&B and Hip Hop (light) song, from the one hit wonders, City High. And for you, this post is a gift, because not only will you discover this absolute gem of a song. You will also immediately get to revel in the fact that it is, by all means, the silliest, most dramatic song ever written. It takes itself SO SERIOUSLY, that you can FEEL IT thinking it is changing the world. You can FEEL IT trying so hard to be deep and meaningful, and once you actually allow yourself to listen to the song, as in, hear what it is saying, you will be hard pressed not to roll over onto the floor, laughing maniacally. Be forewarned, this is some pretentious, stupid shit ever, but approach in the right state of mind (i.e sane and morally grounded) and it is a pure gem. What Would You Do is to music, what Twilight is to vampire literature. A fucking joke of a shit stain on otherwise fairly clean undies.