Anytime something goes down that scares people or shakes up the masses, people always find a way to blame cinema. They say that a horror film or action film may have inspired whomever to go on a rampage. They say that there is too much emphasis on blood and guts in the medium of film, and that is carrying over into the real world and influences people. I say all that is utter bullshit. If we are going to blame Hollywood for anything, why don’t we blame them for making romance films that help doom every single relationship we ever get into? How about we hold them accountable for raising the bar so high in a certain minds that, no matter what you do, you can never reach it? How about we hold them accountable for forcing impossible and implausible scenarios on us, and making it all seem so easy? How about that? Trust me, by the end of this article you will be on my side regarding this.


The basic premise of all relationships, right there.

First up, though it may be a generalization (and one I do not intent to offend anybody with, and if I do, my apologies), it seems safe to say that females seem more influenced by romance films than men. At least once a week I see a post on Facebook that is some still shot from The Notebook, with a caption that says something along the lines of: why can’t I find one like this? Well, my first guess is because you are posting stupid shit like this on Facebook. But my second guess is, you can. Let’s not forget, the whole relationship in the movie The Notebook only happens because Ryan Gosling threatens Rachel McAdams with suicide if she doesn’t go on a date with her. He doesn’t do it jokingly, either. He is fucking hanging with one arm from a Ferris Wheel when he says it. Trust me ladies, you have had more The Notebooks then you think. That is not my point here, though. I just wanted to cite an example that might hit home for some people.


I tried this once and both me and the girl ended up drowning. Sadly, only I was revived.

One more example, which I have brought up and mocked before, is the Romeo and Juliette references you can often hear females say. They want a star-crossed lover. Someone who looks at them like Romeo looks at Juliette. Wait a second. if you read that book, you realize something. It is purely idiotic young love being driven by nothing but hormones. He does not see her and fall in love with her intellect. No, they fall in love with each other the way all teenagers do. In other words, they want to screw. There are not even sections to their story where they get to know each other. Like, what her favorite color is or if she plays any instrument? Nope. He just spouts to her how great she is, while she acts sheepish and overwhelmed by it all. Then, to top it off, these kids who have known each other for only days and know nothing about each other would rather die than be apart? Spare me. If we all acted that way, we would have killed ourselves after our first loves turned out to be assholes. All of us. Those two are selfish kids who are trying to rebel against their parents and use each other as an excuse. But are you getting my point now? These are the love stories people fawn over, and quote, and want their lives to be like. In both cases, they end in tragedy and heart ache for all involved.


Yes, this movie obviously scarred me for life.

Then, on the other extreme, you have the romantic comedies category of romance movies. These are the most erroneous examples of all for setting us up for doomed relationships. They always play out like this. People meet. One is more into the other than the other. Something quirky happens that shows how connected the two are. Love montage of riding bikes and having picnics. Flash forward, some piece of misinformation or something puts rift between them. Couple overcomes rift by meeting in rain, having a back and forth, and then making out as the storm crescendos. Um, sorry to be the one to tell you this, but real love is nothing like that. It took me twenty plus relationships to realize that. Sorry ladies. Hey, at least I eventually learned. Like I said, real love is nothing like any of that. Show me a “romance movie” that is two people arguing about where they should go to dinner for two hours, and I will show you the most honest romance movie in the world. Thing is, we never get that.

No, real love is tough. Like, Blue Valentine tough.

See what I did there? I showed you how engrossed in comparing our love stories to movies we really are. Even when speaking about how bad it is and how it fucks us up, I still do it. The point is, real love is not like it is portrayed on film. They show it to us as rather effortless. Sex, intertwined with kooky fun times, intertwined with more sex. While it may be like that when we are seventeen or eighteen, real relationships are not like that. Real relationships are (GASP) work. A lot of work, and hard work, too. Real relationships are compromise and self-sacrifice and arguments and frozen dinners and piles of bills and yelling children and two people not always wanting sex at the same time (I wont generalize and say women withhold sex more from men, but I am also only speaking from the viewpoint of my life, which is that of a heterosexual male. In other words, in that area, my thoughts are slightly biased). How many romance films set you up to realize that love was hard work? Yes, there are many, but if you compare them to most romantic films, it is a tiny percentage. If you site The Notebook again, I will punch your face in. Nicholas Sparks writes books he knows are gonna make women swoon and cry, and sits back and plays you like the strings of a fiddle. Truth be told, all that shit is garbage. I will tell you why.


Aw, how stupidly emo and grade school of you, graffiti.

Watching and being weened on romance films and then expecting your own courtships to be like that is nothing short of insane. I have stood under a window with a boombox before, and can tell you, it does not get the same reaction in real life that it gets in film. No single one of us is 80’s John Cusack or 90’s Hugh Grant. Hell, even when he was the go-to guy for romance films, he got busted cheated on his gorgeous  wife (Elizabeth Hurley) with some back alley hooker in NYC. That proved even Hugh Grant wasn’t Hugh Grant. Love is not shiny and perfect and flawless and always energizing. Sometimes, the realest of love is exhausting, and really hard work. You are a captain of a ship, and your whole goal is to not let it sink. That is not a joke, and not easy work. That takes pretty much all the effort you have, to be honest.


Sad when you relationships are more like Sid and Nancy then When Harry Met Sally, but note which one is based on a true story.

So the next time we feel like holding Hollywood responsible for influencing and affecting our lives in a negative manner, how about we hold them accountable for their fake ass glamorization of love that we all aspire to find and then want to hang ourselves when we realize it doesn’t actually exist? I say realize it young and move on. Love is great and all, but it is also a lot of f*cking work, and there are few films that have the balls to tell you that. So define your own love, but define it on your own terms, and not the terms of some writer/director combo who were trying to sell tickets. If anything, Pat Benater knew what was up….

Ah, now that is some honest shit right there. Also, dancing hookers for the win.