I laugh when I think about life for young people now. It is literally gift-wrapped for them. Every single thing they want is pretty much at their command. Their phones have become tiny computers that can LITERALLY do anything. Hell, my phone has a recording studio that makes me sound like Kanye West, and I have a special effects app where I can drop cars on people while I film videos. This stuff was UNHEARD of years ago. From GPS to camera phones, we don’t live in the same world we did even fifteen years ago. And nowhere is this more evident than in the act of sex and the social network. The following is my introduction to the book I am (not) writing (but should) on this theory. Where once a man had to pursue his interest with a complex and costly courtship, now, that same man can send a three word message to her and get the same libidinous response. And what are those three words, you ask? Hey, wanna chill? Yes, whether you know it or not, it really is that simple. And in the same breath, that tragic.

Now, truthfully, me putting all of this on Facebook’s shoulders isn’t fair, nor is it accurate. Since the middle nineties, when the internet became more common place in homes, so had it brought out the faceless deviants in people. I remember sitting there, young as hell at my girlfriend’s at the time, and we were talking to some people on AOL (that was pretty much all you could do with the internet, initially) and somebody popped up and asked if I wanted to “cyber”. That is all they said to me, and at the time, it sounded super-cool to me (like someone was going to turn me into a robot or some shit. I was a pretty dumb kid, by the way) so ofcourse, I said yes. Next thing I know, somebody who I can’t see is telling me they want me to spank their naked ass. The girl I was with was like WHAT THE F*CK IS THAT ABOUT, and I told her I was as scared as she was, and we held each other and wept for an hour or so.

Hey, your screen lock is freakishly ineffective. 

As you see with that case, though, the perverts had to seek people out. It wasn’t like it was just understood you could be creepy. Now, over time, creepy has sort of taken over the web (I wouldn’t use chat roulette if you paid me), but it was the inception of social networks that changed how specific people could interact with each other. Myspace was the first one people truly used as a venue to get laid. And honestly, in places where people can form groups with like-minded people, finding someone to screw became relatively easy. It was like the bars and all the ground work got taken out for people. All someone had to do was look at a profile, see if they found someone attractive, see if they had similar interests, and a few messages later, the sex would have itself. Keep in mind, I am not speaking from experience. It is commonly known that I am still a virgin, so this is not about me. It’s about how easy (and amoral) kids have it these days. Damn kids.

I have no fucking clue what this is picture is trying to say, but I felt like it fit the theme of this article quite nicely, so I went with it.

And while Myspace had a sense of anonymity (people were often strangers to each other on there), Facebook got rid of that all together, and pretty much ensured that you needed to know someone on SOME level to get a friendship request. Granted, that level was pretty silly sometimes (what, we were in one class together in high school and never spoke to each other once? Yeah, we should TOTES be best friends on Facebook now!) but Facebook also did something that no one saw coming. It eliminated the need for people to really get to know each other in the “real world”, which is what people who were looking to date (and whatever else goes with dating) used to have to do.

Gone are “studying at the library” dates, but that is also because the whole technological age has even gotten rid of the real need to study, considering Google pretty much does everything for anyone in public education currently. So if studying is all but gone, and the libraries are hollow shells, how are kids hooking up these days? Well, not to imply libraries where the only place young people could get to know each other, but it is symbolic to me. So the new way to hook up, you ask? I will give you a hint, it involves a two-step Facebook process. First step is asserting the outside connection atleast ONCE so as to gain the friend request. This can be a nod at school, or going by a place where the person you “want” works and exchanging a few words with them, but it is ENOUGH to make the friend request that follows it not so strange and out-of-place. Bam, doors open. It was REALLY that simple. No more awkward approaches in public. No more stammering and tripping over your words. Now, it is all done in messages, text and otherwise.

The Mike Tyson photobomb is easily the most disturbing thing about this picture.

After the friend request has been accepted, the lines of communication are open, and it all boils down to a few exchanges, and the tone those exchanges take. They gauge how the back and forth is going, then they pose the simplest, most profound question one young person can ask another, when the moment is perfect:

” Hey, Wanna Chill?”

Laugh if you want, but you are only laughing if you are twenty-seven plus years old. If you are younger than that, you are nodding to this, in quiet shock at just how correct it is. Where once (in the wonderful days of yore) you had to be sweet, and open doors, and pay compliments, and buy dinner. Now, with three simple words, that is all gone.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still proper gentleman who do it the proper way, but they are all but extinct, and soon will be completely. And if you have a young daughter with Facebook, forget about it. Seriously, you check her messages when she is not around, and I promise YOUR HEART WILL BURST IN YOUR CHEST AND YOU WILL DIE! That is how bad it is. Sex has NEVER been more casual than it is between young people, right f*cking now, pun intended. And the thing is, that essence is transgressing into the older generations now, too. We have become who we hate for the exact reasons we hate them.

Hold on, hun. We can have sex as soon as I look at my coworkers bikini pics.

Poor housewife who is ignored by her sports obsessed husband seems to be on Facebook a bit much, huh? Do you really think it is because of Farmville, or do you think that maybe ONE out of the millions of people on there are shining a wee bit of attention onto her in ways she has not gotten in some time?  Or what about hubbykins, who seems to be hovering around his computer a little too much? Perhaps an ex has sunk her claws back in, yes? Never have we all been so connected, and it’s NOT GOOD.

If you remember someone from some point in your life, or they remember you, between Twitter or Facebook, you can almost assuredly get in touch with each other. And honestly, how is that a good thing? It all shouldn’t be so easy. It was never meant to be. It was called a “mating ritual” for a reason. You EARNED it, dammit.  My point here is the mating rituals our forefathers and fathers spent years perfecting have been rendered useless. Many steps to the process, and they have all been reduced, boiled down to three simple words that equal the vaguest (yet clearest) question in all the animal kingdom: Hey, wanna chill? As a result of the death of courtship in our world, we are also losing some of our class as a people.

Girls: Advocate for yourselves and ask boys to star defining what the word “chill” means.

I say we are losing some of our class as a people as if we had any left. Forget it, this transgression is perfect. Our de-evolution as a species is almost complete. Just keep in mind, the universe is watching. I mean, Mother Nature tried to use a storm named Sandy to wipe the Jersey Shore off the map. If that doesn’t tell you the world is watching and wants to react, nothing will.

By the way, wanna chill?