Soma, from the book Brave New World, was the first fictitious drug I ended up ever hearing about. Yet, in an ironic twist of fate, Soma is an actual drug now (and an amazing Smashing Pumpkins song). The idea of a mass-produced drug, made to numb us all, actually being mass-produced, and made to numb us all, is rather disconcerting.  In the same breath, if Soma became real, how far away are we from some of these other drugs becoming real? Well, realistically speaking, these drugs will never be actual drugs, but I had no idea how to open this article, so that Soma angle seemed to fit. Anyway, here are six fictitious drugs from movies and literature, that I would most likely take if I could. Not because I am insane, or a druggy, but because they sound (and in some cases, look) f*cking awesome. Be forewarned, the reported side-effects from this post are dizziness and nausea, with potential restless legs at bed time, which we all know is the worst time for restless legs.

Slo-Mo from Judge Dredd (2012)

A drug that puts everything in slow-motion? So it's Opium?

A drug that puts everything in slow-motion? So it’s Opium?

I won’t lie, this is the drug that inspired this list. No one was expecting the 2012 Judge Dredd reboot to be as awesome as it was, and one of the things that made it so awesome was the fictional drug in the film, Slo-Mo, and how they chose to film it (super HD, super slow-motion). As silly as that name is, it is a drug that drags time to a damn-near standstill. Think “bullet time” from The Matrix, but think of that in terms of time going even slower. In The Matrix, when Neo dodged those bullets, it is like that, but if he was on Slo-Mo, he would have had enough time to take a nap and make dinner before the bullets even reached him. Here, let me show you Slo-Mo, rather than talk about it and sound like a re-re.

Yes, that is Lena Heady from Game of Thrones as the villain, Ma-Ma, in this film.

Do you see how badass Slo-Mo is now? The idea that you could exist, fully capable, within a hundredth of a second, is insane to me, but I would have no choice but to experience it.

What I Would Use It For: Probably while getting oral sex. Honestly, don’t even act like that wouldn’t be amazing.

Soma from Brave New World

Okay, I'll take two.

Okay, I’ll take two.

I know wanting to take this drug just makes me seem like an idiot, but read my site. It is pretty easy to see I am slightly tortured by existence. So the idea of taking a drug that would make me complacent has some allure to it. I know the idea of extended use results in the shutting down of individual thought, and the freedoms that thought grant us, but do you know how much easier life is for people who are not smart enough to be depressed? Add to that some psychedelic elements, and I am sold.

So you may ask yourself, Remy, why don’t you just take Prozac, when it will most likely have the same effect over time? Eh, any creative soul who takes, or has taken, any kind of antidepressant can tell you, you can FEEL your creativity floating away (not for everyone, it does really help some people) and being aware of that waning creativity is enough to make you stop taking it. But the thing with Soma is, you are NOT AWARE that your free thinking and creativity are being stifled, it just happens. There is something beautiful about that. Aldous Huxley, who wrote Brave New World, was heavily influenced by mushrooms and LSD, and in that sense, him and I have a lot in common.

How I Would Take It: Massive amounts before family get togethers and dinner parties, where I am silently expected to be charming or witty, to which I am neither.

Exaltation Pellets from Barbarella

A drug that makes you connect with people and have huge orgasms? So it's Molly?

A drug that makes you connect with people and have huge orgasms? So it’s Molly?

So, instead of having actual intercourse, you take a pill, called an exaltation pill, and you touch hands with whomever it is you want to “connect” with, and you have such a deep, spiritual connection, that your hair curls. So in simple terms, this pill make you cum so hard, your hair curls. Who WOULDN’T want to take that? Also, if you have not seen this movie, dafuq is wrong with you? It is pure-campy brilliance. Here, just watch and try to not have your face-melted by awesome.

Outer space better really be like this!

When I Would Take It: Probably so often, I would be the first spaceman to ever need exaltation rehab.

V from True Blood

Wait, is "vampire AIDS" a thing?

Wait, is “vampire AIDS” a thing? Also, is that her knee or her elbow? What am I looking at?

I will be the first one to admit I don’t really fuck with True Blood. I dabbled a bit, but all sorts of Twilight-centric shit has begun to go down (war of the fairies or some shit?!) so I am all set, but there was a time, and V had a good deal to do with that. The idea of taking vampire’s blood like a drug, and that it has results like cocaine mixed with Viagra, what is there NOT to love? Once you add in some nasty hallucinations into the mix, and it seems like it could be a great deal of fun. Walking around, hopped up on vampire’s blood, with a raging erection all day. Well, I guess that is a lot like my regular Tuesdays, actually.

When I Would Take It: In places where walking around,covered in blood and with a visible erection, does NOT get you arrested. I.e West Virginia.

Cat Piss from South Park

On second thought, I wouldn't fuck with this stuff.

On second thought, I wouldn’t fuck with this stuff.

Alright, maybe I wouldn’t take it because of the process involved, but did you guys see how hard Kenny tripped off this shit? I wanna ride a fucking dragon!

When I Would Take It: I would just have the cat piss his magic pee onto my weed, and bam, tripping for weeks, yo!

Gleemonex from Brain Candy

I would have this as a poster in my room, if I could.

I would have this as a poster in my room, if I could.

A drug that puts you into a comatose state of perpetual happiness by implanting you in your favorite memory, as it occurs, over and over again? While that thought of being a slave to ones own memories is scary for most people, if you are not aware that the reality you are experiencing isn’t real, isn’t it real by all definitions?

Let me ask you this. If you could spend the rest of your life aware of how miserable you were, or could be given the chance to live in a state of permanent bliss, yet you are unaware you are a vegetable outside of that, which one would you want? If you chose a life of misery, you are far stronger than I. Also, The Kids in the Hall, who made this film, are brilliant, and never got enough love in my opinion.

When I Would Take It: As soon, and as often, as possible.

Ephemerol from Scanners

Man, those new human flavored Gushers are the bomb. This caption works on so many levels.

Man, those new human flavored Gushers are the bomb. This caption works on so many levels.

So wait, I can take a pill that will make it so my kids have psychic powers and can blow up other people’s heads? So if I had enough kids, I could pretty much have my own team of X-Men? Okay, so my kid may go crazy down the line, but that is the risk I am willing to take to have my own army of head-exploders.

When Would I Take It: Can’t talk right now, trying to blow up your head.

BAM! You just for X-Men’d.