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I have finally distanced myself enough from the 90′s to see how silly it was at times, and how seriously it took itself. It is a fact that every generation mocks the generation before it, and I was so busy focusing on 80′s videos, I forgot that the 90′s had just as much cheese, despite however I may choose to look back on my younger self. The truth is, in twenty years, all the world will look back at the 2000′s, laughing that we ever made woman like Gaga and Minaj famous, so the nineties are still pretty badass, comparatively, but these six videos are still so bad it is hard for me to fathom they are real. Rest assured, they ARE real. Also, let it be known, being gay is cool, and if you want to be closeted, that is also fine. I have no issues with people who are gay. My issue lies in people who pretend to be something they aren’t. Like, in this case, cool. Also, despite how racist and homophobic this may all seem at times, my first girlfriend was a black guy, so chill out. That’s not true, but she was black, and she may have had a penis for all I know.  Anyway, on to the videos. And bring some nachos, cuz this shit gets real cheesy, real quick.

All 4 One: I Swear

First of all, can we talk about just how awful (and awfully honest) this band’s name is? All 4 One, implies that all four of them are, in fact, one soul. So, in other words, they write music on the rare occasion that they actually take their dicks out of each other’s mouths long enough to sing (and not hum) a chorus. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But seriously, this song is so bad that, while this was on for the sake of this article, my bunny just tried to drown himself in his water bowl.

The cheese factor comes from the fact that these guys are, I am pretty sure, made out of nacho cheese and white bread. Seriously. The irony about the title of the song is none of them have actually ever used a swear word.

Color Me Badd: I Wanna Sex You Up

This was George Michael’s problem in the eighties as well. Classic overcompensation. He didn’t want anyone to know he was gay (because, apparently, the entire world blacked out that WHAM ever happened), so he was like: Sexy sexy sex sex sex…WITH WOMAN! Seriously, that was every solo George Michael song. Anyway, can we talk about bad band names again? Why did they f*cking spell bad wrong? What did that actually do to benefit them, other than make them look even more like idiots? Seriously, this video looks like a bad In Living Color sketch. The cheese factor comes from every fucking thing about these guys, from the George Michael clone, to the Kenny G looking motherfucker.

Also, do they understand they are saying this chorus to every single person who listens to the song? So if my grandmother happens across this song, at that moment, they are expressing desire to sex her up. That is so messed up.

Nelson: After The Rain

Listen, I know they were brothers, and to imply they were having sex with each other is a pretty heavy accusation, but honestly, they were fucking each other. You are listening to incest based music. That is some soul-shattering shit.

The cheese factor comes from the subtext that this kid escapes from his sad life by tripping out with Nelson and some Native American Shaman. Are you fucking kidding me? I would rather eat acid and get raped by a bear. Also, the kid in this music video is, by all measures, the ugliest fucking human who ever lived, and he has no place ever being on film. I have taken shits (today) with more charisma. And what about that drummer? Holy shit, is he wearing studded, leather overalls? is that a perm?! So many more questions than answers.

Blessid Union of Souls: I Believe

Wait a fucking second here, is this a conspiracy? Multi-racial bands that make really cheesy music and spell their names wrong? What is REALLY going on here? Looking at you, Illuminati! Also, does the lead singer really call himself a “n*gger from the streets” in this song? I swear, for twenty years I thought that I was hearing that part wrong, and I still choose to think that. That’s cute how he pretends he is dating a girl. This dude is so cheesy, he makes Hootie seem like Ice Cube. The video’s cheese comes from just how More Than Words they are trying to be.

I know the dude’s name isn’t Hootie, but you knew who I was talking about, so isn’t it, really? Also, you will be singing this song for two months now, and I am genuinely sorry for that.

Right Said Fred: I’m Too Sexy

Alright, in all honesty, these guys didn’t spell their name wrong, and they are all openly gay now, so really, they have no place on this list, but they are simply here because I wanted to hear that “disco dancing” line. That line is awesome, and never fails to crack me up. Fuck it, good for these guys, they might be the ones I hate the least on the list. Atleast they embrace their gay-itude. Shoutout to Michael C in Assonet! Yes, I know a closeted gay guy who lives in a town called ASSONET. Pronounced “Ass Own It”.

Now do you see why I am a writer who tells stories for a living? My life left me no other choice.

Eiffel 65: Blue

Holy shit, even I forgot this song, and I wrote the list. No idea what their name means, or if they were straight, and could care less. This song was everything that was wrong with the Euro-techno surge of the late nineties.  Also, it lodges itself in your brain and takes up permanent residence, burrowing away the memories of more important things, like someone;s birthday,or that time you broke your hymen riding on a banana bike. “Banana bike” may sound like a slang term for penis, but it is an actual type of bike, you perverts. Also, the video looks like it was made by Pixar, if Pixar was staffed by a group of special needs kids who got into Walt’s meth stash. Walt works for TWO reasons there. Bam, you just got writer’fied.

DA BA DEE, DA BA DIEEEEE! Also, I can finally admit that, up until about twenty minutes ago, I thought the chorus was “I’m blue, I’m in need of a dye.” So, um, there’s that. But honestly, what right do I have to make fun of anyone? I mean look at ME from the 90′s:

see the serial killer in the back row with his hair pulled back? Yeah, that's me.

See the serial killer in the back row with his hair pulled back? Yeah, that’s me.

It was the nineties, for crying out loud. We were all retarded, and genes just weren’t as perfected yet. Also, my English teacher was hot! Holla at your boy, Ms. Whittle. I write now, which you can partially take as you inspiring me. Chicks love that, right? God, I hope you people have your satire meters on, or I am definitely catching some heat in the comments for this article.

Honorable Mention: Savage Garden. Those dudes had a bigger vagina than Oprah. Fuck it, at this point I am in too deep to stop. That’s what HE said.

Bam, writer’fied!