All I wanted to do was sit down with TED and do an interview, but there was a small problem. You see, to be funny, I had my old Teddy Ruxpin set up on the chair, with a mic taped to his hand when TED walked in. And instead of having a laugh about it, TED got really visibly upset, at which point he walked up the Ruxpin and slapped him in the face. And this is when shit got mad real. The Teddy Ruxpin turned its head, even though it hasn’t worked in about ten years, and said: Oh look, an ugly version of me. I was watching this all unfold on a monitor, backstage. I mean, as it was, I was sorta freaked out to interview a talking teddy bear in the first place, but shit went from odd to batshit insane real quick. TED laughed a little, adjusted the tiny tie he had on, and looked square at Ruxpin and said: Alright, you ready to do this, battle for bear supremacy, once and for all? Ruxpin stood up on the chair, looking right at TED and said: Let’s do this, bitch. What happened next, a full-scale rap battle between the two, has been captured here for your reading enjoyment. Beware though, these bears get grimy, and no punches are pulled. Also, shit goes even MORE crazy in that last few minutes, so stick it out. Trust me.
Listen, no one should ever kill themselves. Suicide is bad. It makes people cry. I, for one, have been surrounded by people who have taken their lives, and it leaves a gaping hole the size of everything in your world. When I say I am surrounded by them, that is wrong, because technically, they are dead. I mean, a great deal of people I have loved have chosen suicide as a way out. I mean, even you considered it. I know because you told me. Don’t worry, no one knows I am talking specifically to YOU right now, so don’t get all egocentric on me. Suicide really is an epidemic, and for those of us who live on after someone we love does it, you find yourself wondering what you could have done differently. Makes you feel like you failed that person. Truth be told, though, that person failed you. They chose death as a viable alternative to hanging out with you, or seeing their family, or making music or art. And that is devastating. Do we live in a world that is so overwrought with sadness, people would rather die than draw a picture or play with an animal? Yes. Yes we do. And my thoughts are, if you are going to be a selfish asshole and kill yourself, you may as well do it with some flair, so that the death, in itself, is a work of art. A tragic work of art, just like life. Plus, going out swinging is symbolic of perseverance that may be escaping you at the present time. Read on my fellow bear beaters.