For the next few weeks, right up until Halloween, I am only going to focus on horror. Horror films, horror books, horror games and my horrifying life. No cute lists about puppies who sound they are saying I RUV ROO! No rambling articles about how people misunderstood this French film, or that Spanish film. No news stories (unless something REALLY epic happens) and no rambling about sex or drugs. Well, I will still probably bring both of those things up, because I am a sicko, but honestly, tie the baby down, fireproof the dog, double lock all the doors and pray to your non-existent God, because this is the TWO WEEKS OF TERROR and HORROR at RemyCarreiro.com.
*Insert evil laugh here for affect.
I need you all to understand, this is the chapter I was most hesitant about writing about, because as much as part one and part two were messed up, this is a different kind of messed up. I know you are wondering how this insane trip could get any more insane. At this point, I’ve been forced to take drugs. Been talked to by police for what I think may be some really fucked up shit these other kids did when they bailed on me, and got into a “fingering contest”. What could possibly happen next that would best what has happened so far? Well, honestly, and the whole reason I’ve been hesitant to write this chapter is, someone died. Anytime there is death involved, people who can kill you, or a massive conglomerate who can sue you, it makes things a bit scarier, but fuck it. Here goes. Too late to stop now.
I am not a fan of Easter. Do not let the fact that I have an awesome bunny throw you off. Also, do not let the fact that I AM an awesome bunny throw you off. The very idea of Easter is what? To celebrate the return of our messiah by giving loads of candy and presents to kids? We also hide eggs. You know, things that MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE? And I know some of you are religious, and that’s fine, but let’s address the aspect about this day we are all thinking about. This was the day Jesus came back as a zombie. Granted, no one talks about that, and that’s fine, but if your aunt Hilda, who died three days ago, knocked on your door right now, your first impression wouldn’t be messiah. It would be “shit, aunt Hilda came back for our brains, so grab the shotgun.” Good thing the zombie legend was not well-known when Jesus rose from the grave looking to feast on human flesh, because that would have just worked everyone into a panic. Truth is, they called him a messiah before they realized he was a flesh-eating cadaver who had come back from the dead. So what next? Well, they killed him again. And this time he stayed dead. So what did they give us in his place to distract us.
Fall River is an incredibly interesting town. There is so much culture and history there, but in the same breath, it has become sort of ghetto. A refuge for those who are poor (which is EXACTLY why I lived there) and destitute, yet don’t want to live in the LITERAL hood. Fall River is where you go if you don’t want to go “full hood”, yet you want to pay hood prices. The last town where you can still find hundred-dollar ounces. And though Fall River is never shy on weird people and awesome stories, this tale is decidedly darker than my typical Fall River tales. This is one of those stories you hear someone bring up as if it is in urban legend, and you kindly let them know it did indeed happen, and you were in direct proximity to it. While the main twist in the story is already revealed in the article title, it is how this guy did it that will truly floor you.
Alright, first things first. I stand by this list. I really do. But I would be lying to you if I were to say that I expected it to be as popular as it was (200,000 hits and counting) because I didn’t. I am shocked that, for months, it has been my most viewed article. And in the wake of that, I have received some comments which got me thinking. I do believe I may have been too quick to judge a few, and perhaps was a bit too kind to some of my “best of” entries. While normally, people take to comment sections on sites and can ridicule a writer behind a shield of anonymity (which still happens from time to time here), mostly, my readers are intelligent people with some really good feedback, and in this case, some of them were right. Here is an update to that list, with reasons why some things were tweaked and changed. I also intend to do one of these for Unreality soon, too, which means there will be THREE best of 2012 horror lists, cementing that I am far more fucked up than any “monster” on this list.
Generally, the people I know will ask my advice on the more fucked up films. Even though I pretty much watch everything (except for musicals and most rom-coms), I have sort of pigeon-holed myself as this ‘horror film” guy. And with articles like this and this and this, I can understand that, and I don’t mind. But the funny thing is, because I watch SO MUCH horror, I have honestly become a bit desensitized to it. And for that very reason, the scenes that stick in my mind as being the most disturbing to me are often not from horror movies at all, as is the case with all the examples on this list. The idea is, when you see someone get disemboweled in a horror movie, that is its place. It belongs in a horror movie. It is at home in a horror movie, therefore, not very shocking. But it is those dark moments in films that are NOT horror that really resonate with the viewer. Here are five movie scenes from movies that were not horror, that I found horrifying regardless. Be forewarned, I will make sure the movies are fairly old, but there may be some spoilers ahead.
Excuse me, kids, but why the fuck do you all have shorts on in Winter?
Christmas is a magical time of year, when we shuffle around, from store to store, spending our hard-earned money on people who realistically won’t like what we get them anyway. When we are not driving onto curbs to avoid “holiday lunatics”, or fighting our way through a store to get someone the “next big thing”, we all do our best to rekindle our innocence by watching the same holiday specials, over and over again, every year. We say we do it because we love them. But that is not why we do it. We watch them on the off-chance they will rekindle our faith in humanity, or perhaps give us back some of that innocence and purity we had in us when we first saw them as a child. The word is nostalgia, and at no time is that feeling more in the air than at Christmas time. But as you get older, and more and more of you dies inside, you begin to notice things in these specials you never noticed before. The following things I learned in horror last week, watching Frosty again, only this time through different eyes. Bitter, jaded eyes. Prepare to have your mind blown. Or to laugh at me. It will definitely be one or the other and no in-betweens.
Alright guys, if you are reading this, I am assuming things got way out of hand, and I’m sorry. It started as a game, it really did. We called it assassin, and it was just something stupid we did around school that somehow took on a life of its own. The way is started was simple, really. If someone got behind you, and put their hand on your back or neck, it meant you were “dead” for the day. If you were “dead” for the day, you could not assassinate anyone else. The idea was to see who was the last man standing most often, and dubbing that person the monthly assassin. That was it. Then one day, John got the note that changed everything. It was folded into one of his school books, and he pulled it out during class. Scrawled in pen were the words: Surprise, you’re dead! And on the back of the paper were instructions. Kill someone within ten minutes of getting this note, or you will be killed. I know John thought it was a joke, we all did. But the next day when they found John’s body, no one was laughing, and everyone was suspect. And then it happened again, and wouldn’t you know it, kids would much rather kill someone than die themselves, which turned Surprise, You’re Dead into the epidemic it is now. I’ll tell you all I know, but you need to take this to the right people and do the right thing, and you know what that is.