Alright, listen, just because I hate the ideals this country was formed on, doesn’t mean I hate this Country. Quite the opposite, actually. Any Country that allows me to write about hot woman in horror movies, or how getting shot is heavy metal, is a f*cking great Country. Like I said, no issues with the Country itself, but I do have some issues with how we came to be. And no single holiday sums up America quite like Thanksgiving. We pretend the basis for this epic-meal themed-holiday was the discovery of America, and the peaceful cohabitation between different cultures over a mutual understanding. But come on, can’t we stop pretending for a bit? Columbus was a deceitful, shady scumbag, and rape, murder, and thievery where the basis of him
stealing discovering this great Country of ours. So eat away the guilt, people. But atleast be honest with yourself when you do. The whole idea of this holiday is something that always escapes me, every Thanksgiving. Hey, we stole your land and raped your culture, let’s eat pie. For some odd reason, I can’t wrap my head around that, but the general population seems to have no problem with it, which makes it even weirder to me. I know I am not the first to say it, but hear me out for a second.
Seriously, fuck this shit.
Listen, we die when we die. That is how death works. There are people who spend their whole lives trying to “decode” or “understand” death, as an idea and as a concept, but there is nothing we need to understand other than: It’s the end. For religious folks, they believe death is either an amusement park, filled with cotton candy and dead relatives, all super-stoked to see you. Or a lake of fire filled with screaming souls and torment (all because you masturbated, you sick bastard!) For us realists, though, we know death is most likely the complete cessation of our being at that point. Where the soul goes, no one knows, but one thing is for sure. When we die, our time here on Earth is over. And the problem we all have with death is, that upsets us. That upsets the people who get left behind. The people who get stuck here. You see, our Country mourns wrong, and we mourn wrong because we are taught and encouraged to do so. Instead of being a celebration of the person who died’s life, it ends up being a sappy, weeping, sad event. And it is sad because we are all egocentric and think of that death in terms of ourselves. Oh, poor us. But what if someone planned the perfect wake? What if someone forced you to celebrate their life, instead of wallowing in their death? Well, that is what I am going to do, right now. I am putting my exact wishes for my wake and funeral into print, right now, thereby making it a legal, binding contract. And guess what, you’re all invited!