In keeping with my long line of alliteration articles about sex (silly sex here) and (sick sex here), I decided I should write an article about sex scenes that are ACTUALLY sexy. It is almost easier to stand on the sidelines and point at the sex scenes that stand out for being odd or different, but there is something undeniably vulnerable about sitting and sharing sex scenes that you actually find arousing. It is like letting you all in, a little bit deeper, one thrust at a time. See what I mean? I am feeling vulnerable already, so I am taking away the power of sex by joking about it and undermining it. I am doing that as a human, but I need to realize that, as a writer, that is counter-productive to what I am trying to achieve with the article, so I should UP the sexy right now to get you all in the mood for the piece.
*Puts on some Barry White music and points at his bulge
That is, literally, all I can do. Sorry if it not working for you. But you know what MIGHT work for you? These scenes.
Flashback about seven years. I am working my old job at the laser tag arena (yes, seriously) and I am just standing around, minding my own business, most likely high off my ass. Suddenly and out of the blue, a cute (but rather young) girl runs over and grabs my black gel bracelet I am wearing, and tears it off, my wrist, while looking me in the eyes and grinning. I, being irrational and having no clue about much of anything, look down at my bracelet, now ripped in two in her hand, and I say: WHAT THE FUCK?! She looks terrified, and runs off down the hall, and out the exit. My friend Sara, who was working that day, too, walks over and proceeds to tell me that girl wanted to fuck me, and ripping off my black bracelet was her way of telling me that. I sat there, dumbfounded. Now I was never one to shy away from some sex, especially on the off-chance it happens THAT easily, but in the same breath, the girl was obviously younger than me, and as lazy as I am, you must be THIS TALL to ride this ride, if you know what I mean. But it hit me a minute later how extremely messed up this bracelet thing is. So gone is the need for young people to even say anything, now they can just break each others things as a sort of next level “grunting” until sex happens? Jesus Christ, what is wrong with the young generation? What pay off is there in that, anyway? Also, everyone is disgusting, and this shit needs to stop. I know I sound old, but in the same breath, I would rather sound old than sound like this current generation of teens who indiscriminately want to fuck like rabbits. Yes, sex is fun. But when sex boils down to breaking a bracelet, something is wrong with this world.
Netflix is like something delivered unto us from the Gods. We sit back, in the comfort of our homes or offices, or wherever we may roam, and get to click on a film and watch it instantly for a menial monthly fee. I come from a time when wanting to watch movies meant needing to rent them, meant needing to go out and peruse the video store to find the desired movie, and then driving home, watching it, and finally resenting that you needed to bring the movie back. Now, I scroll, see something that looks good, look it up to make sure it doesn’t suck ass, and watch it. Never has the act of film watching been so streamlined. And Netflix is amazing, because I can tell you about these movies, and you can pretty much pop over, type them in, and sit back and take the ride yourself. Never has recommending a film been easier. Remember, I like my movies fairly disturbing, so don’t take to any of these movies looking for comfort, because you will oft find the opposite. And if I ever point you in the direction of a slow-burn, stick with it, because I promise they all have pay offs. The Pact on this list is a perfect example of that.
Sorry, people, but this week is all about the sex. Not sure why, it just is, and this is not normal sex here, either. You know the kind of sex scenes I am talking about? The kind you feel like you SHOULDN’T be seeing. The kind that make YOU feel dirty when you watch them. And not the “good” dirty, either. Not “I’ve been a bad boy and need a spanking” dirty. No, that bad “weeping in the shower fully clothed” dirty. Come on, don’t act like you’ve never been there. We’ve ALL been there at one point or another. And if you haven’t been there yet, these six sick sex scenes will do the trick. Think of it as a bullet train to uncomfortable town, population you. Also, I know I am supposed to be humble, but “Six Sick Sex Scenes” is the greatest title to any article ever, and I have never been more proud to use an alliteration. Also, I promise not to bring up the butter scene from Last Tango, so not “butter as anal lube” jokes here today, folks.
Rarely do I see things and get taken aback by them. For the most part, the stuff that is gonna shock has already shocked me, and all this new school stuff (two girls, one cup) is just too gross and too out there to actually garner any kind of impact from me. But every now and then I have a flashback to something that stood out to me as a child, and I decide to explore it again as an adult to see if, perhaps, my mind is playing it up a little bit. What I often find is that my mind is actually DOWNPLAYING it. That is what happened when I rediscovered Laura Branigan’s Self Control, and that is just what happened here, today, when I finally remembered the Tubes video for She’s A Beauty. A video that, realistically, ingrained a certain sexual deviancy in me, and I was only a witness to it. What about the poor kid that was actually IN the video? The worst part is I think I grew up slightly jealous of this kid, and completely unaware of just how terrible all of this shit was for a little kid to experience. I think. I mean, I don’t know because I didn’t experience any of it until I was an adult, and even THEN, it STILL fucked me up. Anyway, on to examination of The Tubes: She’s A Beauty.
There is a moment in everyone’s life where the thin line between fiction and reality melts into one. That odd moment when you realize you just learned something from pop culture that you somehow, ignorantly, didn’t know. While sometimes, we revel in these moments of unfiltered learnery (totally not a word I just made up), other times, the very things we learn shake us to our core. Like someone ran a diamond of truth down our mirror of lies. If some Remy groupie doesn’t get that last line tatted across her lower back I will be very disappointed. How are you supposed to be my acolytes if you don’t rightfully observe those moments of pure brilliance? I should probably delete that last line. Not the good line, but the line about the good line. You still with me? Good, I’m not either. Anyway, onto the list about greatest animated strippers. Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, fucked up life lessons from films. Okay, on to that!
Generally, the people I know will ask my advice on the more fucked up films. Even though I pretty much watch everything (except for musicals and most rom-coms), I have sort of pigeon-holed myself as this ‘horror film” guy. And with articles like this and this and this, I can understand that, and I don’t mind. But the funny thing is, because I watch SO MUCH horror, I have honestly become a bit desensitized to it. And for that very reason, the scenes that stick in my mind as being the most disturbing to me are often not from horror movies at all, as is the case with all the examples on this list. The idea is, when you see someone get disemboweled in a horror movie, that is its place. It belongs in a horror movie. It is at home in a horror movie, therefore, not very shocking. But it is those dark moments in films that are NOT horror that really resonate with the viewer. Here are five movie scenes from movies that were not horror, that I found horrifying regardless. Be forewarned, I will make sure the movies are fairly old, but there may be some spoilers ahead.
As I sit here, reflecting on my four-hundredth article, I cannot help but look back and be a shocked at how much I have covered, and shocked at how much talking about it will make me sound like a douche. Almost every writer I know who writes successfully (?) and sees their work go into print, seem to focus on one subject. My friend Skippy for example used to only write plot outlines for snuff films. And while it can be said I focus more on cinema than anything else, if you really went back through all the sites and all the articles, you would see that sticking me into one category just wouldn’t work. Mainly because I suck and need to leap from subject to subject so to trick people. From pop culture and comic books, to film and literature. From fiction pieces to true stories about insane things I experienced. From video games to television. It seems I have been lucky enough and have awesome editors and publishers who have pretty much allowed me the freedom to talk about anything and everything. Looking back, I really said so little, but man, I said it using SO MANY words, and I think that counts for something. I thought it might be fun to throw together a few pieces from a bunch of different sites in one article for you Remlins to converge on. Here are five other articles that fairly represent just how much I have to say, how stupidly I say it, and how lucky I am that people allow me to actually say it. Why any of you even listen still makes no sense to me, but. thank you for that. By the way, this piece inspired what may very well be the greatest thread I have ever read over here at SomethingAwful. I can honestly tell you it is a far better read than this piece, so I would go check that out instead, if I were you. Some of it is cruel, but I won’t undersell it, a good chunk of it is pretty f*cking funny.