Thanksgiving: The Fattest, Rapiest Holiday Ever
Alright, listen, just because I hate the ideals this country was formed on, doesn’t mean I hate this Country. Quite the opposite, actually. Any Country that allows me to write about hot woman in horror movies, or how getting shot is heavy metal, is a f*cking great Country. Like I said, no issues with the Country itself, but I do have some issues with how we came to be. And no single holiday sums up America quite like Thanksgiving. We pretend the basis for this epic-meal themed-holiday was the discovery of America, and the peaceful cohabitation between different cultures over a mutual understanding. But come on, can’t we stop pretending for a bit? Columbus was a deceitful, shady scumbag, and rape, murder, and thievery where the basis of him
stealing discovering this great Country of ours. So eat away the guilt, people. But atleast be honest with yourself when you do. The whole idea of this holiday is something that always escapes me, every Thanksgiving. Hey, we stole your land and raped your culture, let’s eat pie. For some odd reason, I can’t wrap my head around that, but the general population seems to have no problem with it, which makes it even weirder to me. I know I am not the first to say it, but hear me out for a second.
First things first, I have never been one of those self-righteous assholes who yells at people for celebrating holidays they don’t fully understand. You can celebrate whatever holiday you want, and as merrily as you like. I had sex with a Canadian girl once, just so I could observe Boxing Day, so to want to celebrate and drink and eat until need to undo your pants, I get that. That is fine. That is pretty much the American way. What, something happened? Let’s make massive amounts of food and gorge ourselves on it, all while getting drunk to celebrate. But, let’s atleast be a little bit aware of what we are in the act of celebrating. Is that okay? Also, why has NO ONE ever actually stood up, Politically speaking, and said we really shouldn’t celebrate the deeds of this man? Why? Because we gluttons are afraid if we observe that, someone will take our pumpkin pie and perfectly roasted turkeys away. The thing that people seem to forget is:
YOU CAN BUY THAT SHIT AND COOK IT WHENEVER YOU WANT, AND YOU CAN INVITE FRIENDS AND FAMILY OVER TO INDULGE AND PARTY WITH YOU ANYTIME YOU WANT.
Seriously, there is not ONE single thing, outside of the Macy’s parade and a few good football games, that sets Thanksgiving apart from any other day. Crazy how you never thought of it that way, huh?
Although you think some are only available seasonally, that is a lie. Anything you see on this table can be prepared at any time and always.
You see, if it is the act of getting together for a massive meal, the proverbial and literal act of breaking bread with our loved ones, then I can understand the love and adoration for that. That is a wonderful ritual, and sadly, FAR too many of us don’t do it enough. If that is what Thanksgiving is to you, so be it. Embrace it and love it. But, I feel like you should atleast be aware of what it is you are actually celebrating. Christopher Columbus did what could very well be considered the shittiest thing anyone could ever do to anyone, ever. Let me put it in ‘hipster terms’ so you all can get it. You have a friend who sucks at music, and you don’t suck at music. And you write a great song one day, and the next month you hear it on the radio, as performed by him. He gets super famous, and at NO point does he ever address what he did, he just nods and agrees that he is a musical God, and pretends he NEVER hung out with you and that you even really existed. Also, add rape and murder to that, and you have Columbus.
More so than murder, it was the damn-near genocide of the Native American people. This would be like having Hitler day, where we all wear tiny mustaches and eat German chocolate cakes until we vomit, all while running our ovens for no reason. Yes, I went there. Why? Because, as a Country, we all do similar, odd rituals every Thanksgiving, and for the last decade or so, I have just not understood how that is okay. I mean, do you know EVERYTHING he did?
Think about that little fact while you are swallowing down a load of creamy, salty, mashed-potatoes this Thanksgiving.
And you know what else? I am allowed to actually talk about this, not just because I live in a free Country (which I will give thanks for tomorrow, ironically) but because I am part Portuguese and part Native American. Do you even realize how f*cking odd that is? I fully realize that Columbus was Italian, but do you even realize how close we are to each other, just in last names alone? People always think I am Italian, which makes this all okay. Wait, that does, right?
Technically, I am French, Portuguese, and Native American (which explains my sexy pout and birthing hips), but still. The Portuguese part of me always steals stuff off the Native American part of me’s plate, and then giggles. It is like an internal war going on, so ofcourse I have the right to talk about it, culturally speaking. And as a Portuguese person, I take NO pride in what Columbus did, even if he is Italian I feel like anyone who ever has partaken in, or been a crucial element in, the raping of ANYONE, should never be granted a Holiday. I don’t care if you saved 999 people, and raped one, you never have the right to be called a hero. If you saved 9,999,999 people, and raped one, same thing. That is just not permissible behavior.
Also, bringing back Syphilis to America, I mean, REALLY? What, the person who caused the first herpes outbreak already have a holiday named after them or something?
Do you see what we did there? We replaced the shlong with a piece of bacon, to make it relevant to the site, and safe for work.
Are you starting to see my point now? No? The bacon porn thing threw you off? Yeah, me too. Forgot what I was even talking about. Man, that ‘bacon porn’ is a great idea. Think I will go make a calendar. Happy Thanksgiving, Remlins.
Oh yeah, and f*ck Columbus, that guys sucked.
I ‘discovered’ that Christopher Columbus is a douche, and I should get a holiday named after me for it, where people inexplicably eat copious amounts of pudding and wear Cosby sweaters.