It begins...

It begins…

All I wanted to do was sit down with TED and do an interview, but there was a small problem. You see, to be funny, I had my old Teddy Ruxpin set up on the chair, with a mic taped to his hand  when TED walked in. And instead of having a laugh about it, TED got really visibly upset, at which point he walked up the Ruxpin and slapped him in the face. And this is when shit got mad real. The Teddy Ruxpin turned its head, even though it hasn’t worked in about ten years, and said: Oh look, an ugly version of me. I was watching this all unfold on a monitor, backstage. I mean, as it was, I was sorta freaked out to interview a talking teddy bear in the first place, but shit went from odd to batshit insane real quick. TED laughed a little, adjusted the tiny tie he had on, and looked square at Ruxpin and said: Alright, you ready to do this, battle for bear supremacy, once and for all? Ruxpin stood up on the chair, looking right at TED and said: Let’s do this, bitch. What happened next, a full-scale rap battle between the two, has been captured here for your reading enjoyment. Beware though, these bears get grimy, and no punches are pulled. Also, shit goes even MORE crazy in that last few minutes, so stick it out. Trust me.

They were gentleman bears initially, and did a coin toss. The toss went to Ruxpin, who said he would go first. The follow transcript is their exchange, word for word.

" I like to smoke and fuck bitches, yo. "Teddy Ruxpin

” I like to smoke and fuck bitches, yo. “
Teddy Ruxpin

RUXPIN ROUND ONE:

Oh, look at this here, oh look at this here,

The bear who got famous on my name this year.

How fitting it seems, we meet again.

You stole my career, here’ my balls on your chin.

Maybe I’m bitter, that may be true.

But twenty years ago, there was no you.

You stole my style and you rock my steez,

God I hope TED gets a venereal disease.

The kind that makes him sweat, and gives his furry crotch fleas…

The funny thing is he REALLY did bang all these woman, arm deep.

The funny thing is he REALLY did bang all these woman, arm deep.

TED ROUND ONE:

Guys, do you hear that, did somebody speak?

Not sure, I can’t  hear the obsolete.

Here I am, a week after my DVD was #1.

Rap Battling a broken R-U-X-PUN,

more like wrecked pun, if you ask me.

And you want ME to get an STD?

Let’s just See, just where you’d be, if it simply was not for me.

I said your name on film, did that make you SQUEE?

Cuz no one has done that since 93.

I made you relevant, so I’ll name the elephant,

inside this room, and we know it’s “irrelevance”

You ceased to exist,

And you sure aint my equal,

so shut the fuck up or I won’t name drop you in the sequel.

Man, I told him this picture would come back to haunt him.

Man, I told him this picture would come back to haunt him.

RUXPIN ROUND TWO

So you think you helped me, that’s plain to see,

but you wouldn’t EXIST, if it wasn’t for me.

I broke the market for talking bears,

so keep your weak reference, this bear don’t care.

And can we talk about your choice of heroes?

Marky Mark and the Funky Zeroes?

Your life mate is that guy who danced.

for Calvin Klein, in his UNDER PANTS?

The fuck is that, how are you not ashamed?

When you pick a fucking Wahlberg, even Donnys’ less lame,

So keep stressing the name, cuz now you’re now a big star,

And here’s five more dollars, go rewash my car.

Shown: No artistic merit.

Shown: No artistic merit.

TED ROUND TWO

Sorry man, I just can’t hear your clarity,

seems maybe your owner should get some brand new batteries,

Your voice seems to come in and then fade out,

Oh wait! That’s not you, got my balls in your mouth.

So now I’ll take them out, in an attempt to hear you better,

or I’ll just shave your ass, and make a Teddy Ruxpin sweater.

One glaring difference that I always carry with me,

I was born from love, you were born on batteries.

Do you know how sad that seems? To be made from batteries?

Helplessly exist at some little fat kid’s means.

Why would I even battle you, now I’ll save some face.

Here are some D batteries, dude,

I bought you a whole case.

And the look on your face, should make it clear,

now I fucking own you, for atleast another year….

Ruxpin does not do well when he takes PCP.

Ruxpin does not do well when he takes PCP.

RUXPIN ROUND THREE

So THAT’S what you think,

we are made from different things?

Oh you silly boy, you don’t know a fucking thing.

You’re made from “love” and I’m made from batteries?

Saddest thing I’ve ever heard, that statement just has to be.

Let me show you something, that just may blow your mind,

Open up the back and there’s no batteries behind.

You see I’m just like you,

got human friends, we smoke blunts,

the difference is the kid who loved me wasn’t in the FUNKY BUNCH (bitch)

Someone needs to put a BRAZZERS watermark on this stat,

Someone needs to put a BRAZZERS watermark on this stat,

( This is when something REALLY Messed up happened, and sort of changed up the tone of everything I had been witnessing up to that point. A side door to the studio opened up, and a small, white bear walked in, looking freakishly familiar. Both TED and Teddy Ruxpin sat in silence and what looked like, abject horror. The white bear grabbed the legs of a stool and dragged it over to the edge of where they were both battling. He slowly climbed up, trying to get his loose limbs to get a good enough grip to pull him up onto the seat. Took about eight or nine minutes, and a good six or seven mistakes throughout, but he did it. Once on the chair, he looked at TED for a moment, then looked at Ruxpin for a moment, and then he stood up and began spitting the most epic verse any of us had ever heard a bear spit. Even his opening line was some epic shit.)

GET TO YOUR FEET YOU SONS OF BITCHES, BECAUSE GRANDDADDY SNUGGLES IN THE MOTHERFUCKING HOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Game changer, right there.

SNUGGLES ROUND ONE

Hey Ted, hey dude, how about an autograph?

On my nuts so I can slap it off your mother’s ass.

And hey Ruxpin, dude, I’m your number one fan,

John Lennon had one of those,

Oh, sorry man (shoots Teddy Ruxpin in the chest, three times.)

Now listen up, boys, I want to make something clear.

If it wasn’t for ME,

NO ONE WOULD BE HERE.

So your delusions of Grandeur, you seem to embrace,

Needs to be swiftly replaced by simply, some grace.

There is ONLY ONE TALKING BEAR,

No, not Ruxpin or TED,

one talking bear as our Father, instead.

And if you think it’s me,

you have no idea, which is why I brought all three of us here,

It’s time to repent, to acknowledge the master.

To know we are myths, plush liars, and bastards.

We bow to the throne, of red shirt and no pants,

as we pray to our god and offer penance.

(And just as Snuggles was finishing up his verse, a door across the room opened up. At first, we couldn’t see anything, just looked like some ethereal glow of orange and yellow, but then we saw it, floating into the room like some sort of tiny God, about to smite his people. What we saw next is something I will never again speak of after right now. It was Winnie the Pooh, eyes glowing crimson, flames hovering over his open palms.)

His growl sounded like the devil, and he was covered in blood and smelled of sulfur.

His growl sounded like the devil, and he was covered in blood and smelled of sulfur.

WINNIE SPOKE, AND WE ALL LISTENED:

Snuggles, you have done well. Your death will be a quick and painless one.

(in that moment, before he could even finish saying thank you, Snuggles evaporated into a puff of fabric sheets, whom then fluttered out the window and flew away like so many butterflies. God, I wish I was kidding. Then, Winnie began to speak again.)

To the remaining bears, Ted and Ruxpin, I can only tell you this. Your false queries about being the king of your species is both wrong and audacious of you both. Much like Highlanders, there can really be only one true BEAR, representing the cute faction of actual, real world bears.  And, much like Highlanders, there is really only one way to kill plush, living bears, to ensure they stay dead and one stays the ruler. Then he yelled “BEARCAPITATION!” And just like that, TED”s head, and Ruxpin’s head, lay on the ground, looking more like toys than they ever had before. Pooh left the room, looking back at me only once and winking in a way that made me feel very sexually confused.

When people ask me if that was the weirdest day of my life, I always reply the same way.

BEAR-LY.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. hahahahahah. No? Okay, that ending wasn’t very strong, so, what I meant to say was:

TED came back as a zombie, stitched his own head on, and went on an elaborate quest to kill Pooh, akin to Kill Bill, but with plush bears. It is called Kill Bear, and you will be hearing about it soon….

Man, zombie TED is even more sexually adventurous than his former self.

Man, zombie TED is even more sexually adventurous than his former self.