In the seventies, The Kama Sutra became rather famous, mainly because everyone was just banging everyone else with little fear of consequence, and then blaming the whole thing on the “free love, free drugs” movement. But over time, certain sexual positions from that book have been banned for various reasons. Below, I will list the five most infamously banned positions, how YOU can do them, and also, the death toll before they were pulled from the book. Please note, there is a massive risk of personal injury (as well as the injury of your partner) from trying these. They were banned for a reason, afterall. But if you are horny as shit, and just want to do some freaky ass sex-stuffs no one else has done, these would be the way to go. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you. You could die, or melt your genitals. And we all know “Melty Genitals” would be the worst X-Men ever.

The Flaming Serpent

Fatalities: 112

Harry Potter made a rather obvious reference to this position in book two of his series.

The Flaming Serpent is exactly what it sounds like. You dip your penis in some lighter fluid, ignite it, then put it out with two thrusts into your lover’s “mossy bank”. The flame turns to steam upon impact due to how moist the female’s nether regions are, and the friction between the steam and the flesh is said to cause nine orgasms in a row. The problem is, people weren’t timing it right (just TWO thrusts) and melting their genitals together.

Supposedly, the move has not been successfully attempted since 1998, when a rather well-known basketball player used it to rid himself of his H.I.V.

Bring The Goats Up The River

Fatalities: 216

It’s all fun and games until three of them climax.

This one is tough because it involves the two partners, balanced on each other over a bucket of water. When one leans forward to go down on the other one, the other one’s head goes underwater. When that person reaches orgasm and comes out of the water, the OTHER person’s head goes underwater, and so on, and so forth. One person is always performing oral on the person whose head is dunked, and it switches. The idea behind this position is, if you can’t bring them to orgasm soon enough, their head stays underwater and they die. Quite a bit of pressure on both sides, if you ask me.

Easy to see why this one was banned. Rumor is Ariel is ALL about this move when she and Eric get nasty.

Backalley Pancake Plate

Fatalities: 389

It’s a visual metaphor. You see, it looks good, but it will fucking kill you.

The Backalley Pancake Plate is a brutal move that involves laying on your back, while a second partner lies on their back on top of you, then a third partner puts a bear trap, face down, on the top partners belly. The trick is to get your partner to climax using such minimal movement, the bear trap never actually goes off. This means hours upon hours of very gentle, almost non-existent thrusting. The kind that drives anyone other than Sting nuts.

The last essential element to making this position work is knowing your partner’s signs for when they are about to orgasm. As soon as you see the physical indicators, you need to reach around and remove the bear trap before her hips start buckling, or it will gnaw its way into her guts.

Again, unless you are a world-weary bear-trapper, and master tantric lover, the Backalley Pancake Plate is just NOT worth it.

The Gladiator’s War Hammer

Fatalities: 439

Much like how I use my penis to bash down doors.

I actually am a little hesitant to even talk about this one due to the massive death toll that happened last year in Florida when a bunch of old swingers tried this. The position is damn near impossible for anyone to execute, because of just how risky it is. It involves a man with a large member to sit on the ground, facing up. Meanwhile, a line of woman will form and climb the tree. Then, from various heights, they will drop down naked and attempt to land directly on his penis.

As you can imagine, there are a great deal of crushed and punctured organs as a result. Very few people even live to talk about this position. But the rumor is that is how Tom Cruise conceives his children.

Dante’s Seven Harmonies Converge

Fatalities: Unknown

This picture of a near-naked Lady Gaga getting molested during Lollapalooza is the closest I can come to showing the actual position.

This position is said to bring about the end of the world, so I know of only two people who willingly tried it (George Bush Jr and KE$HA), but it is the stuff of legends for a reason. It involves thirteen people forming a semi-circle, and then everybody putting one finger into the other persons’s….you know what? I can’t type this. This one  so creepy and strange, I feel it is bad juju to even talk about. But I can tell you this, it involves a secret NINTH hole on our bodies that most people don’t even know they have.

Crazy stuff, for real. For now, just stick to the three classics:

The Crouching Tiger

The Weeping Damsel

and

Between The Gardens, and you and your partner will be just fine.

Alright, we can practice these later if you like.