Remember when Khal Drogo tore that shit up? Well, a great deal of us were walking to the kitchen to make a sandwich, because we were watching with our Dads.

There are various ways we can experience a sex scene in a movie, and each way we experience it yields a genuinely different reaction from us. Under the right circumstances, it can further the story and give the movie a much-needed shot to the arm. Also, it can be enjoyable to watch two attractive people screw each others brains out. We can all shake our heads, and people can act like what I just said was offensive, but we all know you wouldn’t kick Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake out of bed for eating crackers, if you know what I mean. But there are many elements that factor into how you experience a sex scene. From who you are with to where you are all factor in. The following list breaks down all the odd scenarios you can find yourself in when a sex scene comes on in a film you are watching, and some solid proof that you reactions are not only justified, but you are not alone in them. We have ALL been there at one time or another. Not sure if we should feel aroused or terrified, but pretty sure we are feeling both at once. And much like the title implies, the worst scenario of all is……

A Sex Scene Comes On While Watching A Movie With Your Parents

Dear Diane Lane, Stop being so damn hot. You are like sixty, it messes me all up. Sincerely, Remy.

 

So you are watching a movie with your Mom or Dad, and everything is going great. The movie is fun, and everything is well in the world. And then the two main characters start to have sex. And suddenly, your mind goes into a spin. In your head, you actually BEG the movie not to do this, and to cut away, but it doesn’t. You can actually FEEL the discomfort level rising in the room. I can promise, between you, your Dad, and your Mom, someone WILL crack a joke to make the situation less uncomfortable. And I swear, no matter who makes the joke, or how spot on and funny it, for some odd reason, it will only make things even more uncomfortable. So what do you do?

Well, it’s easy, really. You make sure the movie you are seeing with your parents is PG. Seriously, people even bang in PG-13 movies now. If you stick to Pixar movies, you may cry in font of them, but that is still a better out then the discomfort of watching people have sex in front of your parents. Also, when not in theater, just fast forward the flick. We are all adults, and that may yield the best laugh of all. Or, if need be, the last resort is to leave to go fill the drinks and make the snacks, but be forewarned, if you parents are sick in the head, they may think you are going to masturbate and may not want to touch the snacks you come back with. Just saying.

Sex Scene Comes On While At A Film Festival

Lighting is crucial for a good sex scene. This isn’t good lighting. They both look like they have AIDS.

 

Warning, if you attend the film festival circuit, you will see some pretty hardcore sex scenes with a bunch of strangers. Indie movies are ALL ABOUT the nudity and sex scenes (sometimes, like in Shortbus, the sex acts are real and non-simulated) and watching real people actually f*ck on film while in a room filled with cinema snobs can be very weird. A few different things happen. There will be that one person in y our row who feels obligated to validate it out loud (usually a friend of the director, planted in the crowd) and they will say things like: you would NEVER see this kind of true passion in a studio release. You tend to just nod and ignore them, or they keep going.

Next you have the detractors. The ones who feel like need to say something negative or off-putting during the scene because sexuality makes them uncomfortable. Comments like: Yeah, this scene feels forced and tacky, but you do the same thing and just ignore those people. For me, the same thing happens every time to me at such an event. The sex scene begins, and depending on how genuine it feels, I simply look around the room to see if anyone is enjoying it as much as me. Enjoying, of course meaning, squirming uncomfortably in their seats. It’s like fully clothed sex with like-minded strangers. Or not. It may not be, actually. I sometimes end these paragraphs with terrible sentences. I need to work on that.

A Sex Scene Comes On While Watching A Movie With Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend

” Let’s both pretend we are different people for the next twenty minutes, okay?”

 

Watching a sex scene with a lover can go one of two ways. If it is the beginning of the relationship and they are still making the slightest effort to impress you, they will use the sex scene as a sort of predicate for foreplay, and you will end up forgetting to watch the rest of the movie because you will be making your own sex. That’s what kids say now a days, right, let’s go make sex? Anyway, if you are past that one year “charm and have sex” stage, than you do what any rational person would do. You find the physical faults in the person on-screen as quickly as possible and point them out to make your partner feel more confident in their own sexuality. For example, I will give away a BIG guy secret right now. We find something, anything, about the lead (nude) actress and we just jump on it. Usually her boobs. We will say they are too big, or fake, or droopy or something. We do that for you. Truth is, we are guys, and boobs are boobs, but if we love you, we will act like those are the worst boobs we have ever seen.

And for a (good) woman, she does the same. She points out Brad Pitt’s imperfections to her boyfriend, or says she “hates his hair” just so that our own frail egos don’t get bruised. Yes, we know you are lying and would fuck the shit out of him, but we genuinely appreciate that, at that moment, you don’t remind us of that. One thing, though. There is NO woman alive who denies the Ryan Gosling thing. It’s like he is their kryptonite. He comes on-screen and woman just go stupid, sometimes forgetting to wipe the drool from the corners of their mouth. And we all know there is NO non-porn-star that can do THAT to a guy.

I wish there was a sarcasm font I could have  just used for that last sentence.

A Sex Scene Comes On While At The Movies

Having sex with Amy Smart in public doesn’t seem like it would be the most terrible thing ever.

 

The experience you have during a sex scene all boils down the type of people you are in a movie with.

If it is a movie (and sex scene) like the one above, from Crank, you will probably be in a theater filled with  frat guys, at which point, expect the hooting and hollering at the screen to make you as uncomfortable as a tongue kiss from a fat aunt. But, if it is one of those British movies, where Keira Knightley plays a sheepish woman on the verge of her sexual awakening, than you will most likely be in a theater filled with intellectuals and woman, which means, there will be no hooting and hollering, but the air will be rife with a palpable sense of sexual tension. But it seems to always be to those extremes, unless you find yourself in the rarest of rare ‘teen sex comedy” movies , in which case, you will be surrounded by a great deal of stifled giggling on all sides, which is to say, the creepiest experience of all.

Stick with the brit comedies with audiences full of female Hugh Grant fans. You may actually get laid before leaving the theater.

A Sex Scene Comes On While You Are In The Same Room As The Person In The Sex Scene

” Hey, I think I lost one of my favorite shirts. Can you help me finding it by having sex with me against the last bureau I saw it in?”

 

You may think that would never happen to you, but you may be surprised. It will never happen to you if you’re not involved, but you would be surprised what the tiniest amount of footwork can do for you. I have a brother who writes scripts, and I work on quite a few websites that talk about movies, so I may have thought I would never be in the same room with an actor or actress while they are on-screen having sex, but I would’ve been wrong.

The thing that happens if you are juvenile like me is, you look over at the person, and look back at the screen, and then think to yourself: Whatever you do, don’t walk over and complement their ability to have fake sex on camera. That would be just be weird. And make sure you wear really good running shoes to the premier, because after you DO say it, you had better run. In hindsight, I REALLY am sorry, Kate Winslet, but you were just so damn convincing. This scenario can also happen when dating/being friends with a porn star, and just trust me when I tell you THAT is the weirdest, most f*cked up scenario of all. I won’t delve any further into that just yet, but trust me on that one.

In closing, sex scenes are only as good as the scenario you are in when you see them. So really, only watch movies with sex scenes when you are at the first “honeymoon” stage of a new relationship. Other than that, just shut them off, because any scenario you are in that doesn’t end is sex is only bound to end in awkward.

I am closing with this pic because it best sums up the awkward sexuality of most sex scenes and how we feel when we watch them.