Why is it, once a year, your regard and safety for the well-being of your children goes completely out the window? Would you walk through a bus station until you saw an old fat guy with a long, white beard dressed all in red, and then sit your child on his lap and have your child whisper to him all his or her greatest desires? Well, that is basically what you do, but you do it at a mall, so, for some reason, you think it is okay. Let me put this another way. Not only do you put your child on some strange old man’s lap, but before you do it, you tell your child that it is the most important man in the world. That is what Santa is to children, whether you know it or not. He who brings the gifts hold all the power. And then you just pop your kid onto the guy’s pecker and stand back and take pictures. What the f*ck is wrong with you? I may ask you that multiple times in this article, but that is only so you ask yourself.

Mall Santa

OH, BUT MY KID LOVES IT! Awesome. So that is how you parent, based on what your kid loves? Well then, do you feed “it” Snickers bars for breakfast and ice cream for dinner? Well, if you answered no to that, and answered no in a tone to imply it was a silly question, what is silly about it? You have no qualms about sitting your child on some old guy’s lap and lying to them about who he is, but you know it’s wrong to feed a kid Snickers for dinner. Well, call me crazy, but I would let a kid eat a Snickers for dinner before I would allow them to straddle a random old guy.  See, allow me to show you some mall Santas, if I may?

He is using your child to hide his erection.

This dude is so drunk right now he thinks these are his kids and gets up to leave with them.

He is suckling her innocence out through her knee and she knows it.

Pretty sure this guy would rape a trashcan if it had pigtails. Note his questionable hand positioning.

By the way, all of those were taken from THIS amazing gallery over at HolyTaco.

And see, using only four pics from that gallery puts that sense of dread in you as a parent. If you want to defend your actions by telling me that “My local Mall does an extensive background check on who they hire as Santa“, first I will laugh AND cry at your naivety, and then I will link you here. Now I realize that is only ONE story, and to condemn all mall Santas as pedophiles is a sort of discrimination, but think of it this way; If you could approach four bears, and only three of them would rip you apart, but one would randomly cuddle you, you would still stay away from all bears, right? See what I am getting at?

People don’t question this ritual because we were raised to embrace this tradition, let us not forget, this “Mall Santa” institution hails back to a time when men could have their wives committed into mental institutions indefinitely and against their will because they cheated. Yet, in the same breath, a woman COULD NOT do that to a man. Yes, the aspects of the “golden age” that no one wants to talk about. Remember, when they used to hang black people and tell gay people that homosexuality was a disease that was curable? Yes, Mall Santa comes from way back then when times were simpler.

Mall Santa Photo Evidence Still Not Swaying You?

So why do we not recognize just how messed up a concept it is, when we can plainly see how messed up those other core concepts of that time are?

Good news, buddy. We are going to electrocute that gay right out of you.

You know how they say kids are pure and have strong instincts and such? Why do you think some kids FLIP OUT when FORCED (which is what a GREAT DEAL of parents do to have a f*cking picture for a card and pediatric PTSD) to sit on mall Santa’s lap?

Because even in their tiny heads and hearts, they KNOW something isn’t right here.

Despite their teary fear filled eyes, arms stretched out to be rescued and loud sobbing, begging for you to stop, you keep them there and make them take that pic.

Wow, you must now feel like a terrible person.


Mall Santa- Mom’s who know say NO to the lap

On the other extreme, parents who don’t participate in the Mall Santa mania and ignore their kids mournful pleas to take part willingly in the tradition… well…   I have solutions for those  people, too. I don’t just condemn. I condemn, and offer alternatives, so as to help SAVE your children. I am a hero like that.

Um, excuse me? Can you please stop looking at her like you want to eat her whole?! Yeah, thanks.

Now I know what lazy parents want to ask me right now. “But Remy, we all end up doing shopping at the Mall for Xmas, and we have to bring our kids, so what do we do when they see Santa, and see all those other kids, and want to be a part of it?” Well, you could handle this a couple of ways. One, you could be (wha-HUH???!!) HONEST with your child. Yes, I know, mind-blowing. You would much rather them figure it out on their own, or have the love of Santa mocked out of them by schoolmates. Fine, okay.

Explaining to your kids that the REAL Santa doesn’t have Hepatitis C or Jail Tats like the Santa at Nordstroms

Well, just perpetuate the lie to make it safer for you and your kids. Tell them that mall Santas are clones of the real guy, who help him work around the season, but the REAL Santa will pay you guys a special visit at one point. Then, all you do is get that one cool friend, or one crazy Uncle (someone you know and trust, preferably in family) and you have them come by one night with a big sack and a few gifts. It may cost you a little extra (maybe ten dollars more than the Mall Santa pics would) but you are given piece of mind that your child is sitting on the lap of someone who IS NOT GOING TO GET ERECTION FROM THAT. I may not be a parent, but I know I would be a far better parent for just being willing to put that much more effort in for my (proverbial) child to be safe. If you think a kid finding out Santa is not real is a tough moment for them, try to imagine explaining why Santa smelled like booze and had a banana in his pocket when little Suzy sat on his lap. Trust me, that is WAY more soul-ruining to a child. ESPECIALLY when they get older enough to connect the dots themselves.

Alright, look at that photo right there for a moment. Now this following scenario may mess you up a bit, but if I can think of it, anyone can, especially some creepy dude who waits all year to dress like Santa and do weird shit like this.

So your daughter sits on mall Santa’s lap, and has NO idea that this is NOT the guy who brings her all her favorite stuff (or not) once a year. He tells her he will bring her presents early, ESPECIALLY the pet horse she has always wanted, but she HAS to tell Santa where she lives, not tell her parents, and unlock the front door to the house after her Mommy and Daddy go to bed. He then tells her he has VERY special gifts for Mommy and Daddy (I promise I will bring them special gifts that will make it so they don’t fight anymore, but you CAN’T ruin the surprise, Suzy) and he makes her promise she won’t tell her parents. He tells her to go tell them she asked for a horse, and then he winks and giggles, she tells him where she lives, she skips back to her Mommy, convinced she is not only getting the horse she always wanted, but saving her family structure as well, and she tells her Mommy she asked for a horse and giggles as she walks away, no idea she just set up her family to be raped and slaughtered by a serial killer.

All because you let her sit on some weird dude’s lap because an age-old ritual told you it was okay. And remember, when you are tied to the bed as it catches fire, and you can hear her muffled, choked out cries from the other room but can’t do anything about it, that is your fault. You could have just been honest with your kid.

Dress this up in a red suit with a hat and for some reason you have no hesitation about putting your kid on its lap. What the f*ck, people?!

Again, don’t get me wrong. There are some mall Santas that are great guys, who love the season and love to make people smile, no doubt.  But still, even if only one out of a thousand were a pedophile and murderer, would you risk it? If so, you are crazy and shouldn’t legally be allowed to have a child.

Merry Christmas. Better make sure the doors are locked tonight.