douchdick

If you are in a relationship, you are bound to be asked some incredibly stupid questions as a result of your partner’s glaring insecurities. That is just what love brings out in most people.  And for the most part, you will placate them to make your own life easier. You will have a coworker, at some point, that your significant other will be convinced is constantly trying to fuck you, and that’s okay because they will have one that you are convinced is trying to fuck them. That is called relationships, people. And as shitty as it is, that is how they sometimes work. And in all honesty, the fear is of justified because someone, at some point, is going to want to fuck the person you love. You just have to hope the person you love loves you enough to want to fuck them back. And such insecurities lead the inevitable inquiry I am about to discuss now. While the inquiry I am talking about now is made to seem like a reasonable question, you need to be aware that it’s not. It is foolish, does nothing to benefit the relationship, and tends to put a huge wedge between you and your lover. So in essence, realize, it is okay to know this question is batshit insane and way out of line, and by no means, no matter WHAT the other person tells you, not only do you NOT have to answer it, but only an asshole would. What is that question, you ask…..

How Many People Have You Slept With?

I told her, and she only made it to the fourteenth digit and passed out.

I told her, and she only made it to the fourteenth digit and passed out.

Seems simple at first glance, huh? But it wasn’t until around twenty years old that I realized there is not a single ounce of good that comes from this question. Why do you want to know? What will knowing the number of woman I slept with before you do to for us, now? Do you somehow think that number sums up who I am or my morals. What if the number was really high, yet you have no way of knowing that the number has stayed stagnant for five years prior to meeting you? Or what if the number is freakishly low, like, so low you may wonder what is wrong with me or if I am a terrible lover? Do you see what I am getting at, how does that benefit anyone?

And the weird thing is, people LOVE talking about it. At one point I had to YELL so my girlfriend wouldn’t tell me. But why?  I do understand, to some, it is a badge of honor. Oh, you have slept with three people your whole life and are proud of that because most people are whores? Awesome for you, I guess. Or, as a guy, maybe he THINKS it makes him look like an alpha. Yeah, I had sex with thirty-five woman before you, so you KNOW I am doing something right (and realistically, carrying HPV).

See, any way you slice this piece of cake, it is still a cake made out of something you’d be better off never eating, if you get my drift.

Perhaps I shouldn't have gone into such detail about the Rugby team.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have gone into such detail about the Rugby team.

So my question to all of you who ask the question is why?

I do understand healthy relationships put everything on the table, and if you had dated someone for a long time and were serious about them, then I understand letting your lover know about that, but as long as you are clean and tested, the prior number should be all but irrelevant. It benefits no one. Yet there is one thing it IS set to do, and always does: It forever changes the way you look at that person. Because, no matter what, once you have a number, you have a spring-board for that stupid mind of yours, and they go from being a number to being people you actually think about. What were they like? Were they a better lover than me? Why did it end? Who seduced whom? Those are the kind of thoughts that start small, but turn you into a fucking insomniac.

Man, don't you love when your mind shows the person you love getting banged by much cooler people in your head when you try to sleep?

Man, don’t you love when your mind shows the person you love getting banged by much cooler people in your head when you try to sleep?

 

And again, there is NO right answer, there really isn’t. Everyone who answers this question ALWAYS answers in the safety window. What’s the safety window, you ask? That is the number somewhere between seven and eleven lovers. Often closer to seven, you say what the other person wants to hear. In reality, why does anyone ask a question that they secretly don’t want the answer to? Well, that leads to other point of this article. Control. They want to know they have the control to make you leap through hoops at command, but the disguise it as “wanting everything on the table so we can start fresh”. No, sorry, that is bullshit. You can’t unfuck someone you railed in a drunken one night stand just because you suddenly love someone, that is not how being human works. Being human means learning from that drunken bangfest, and if it is not beneficial to your current life, you don’t do it again. But also, don’t feel like you are obligated to tell y our new love that, or anything involving who you “were” sexually. People fuck, and people love, and some people need to understand that those things are not mutually exclusive.  And as much as you have the right to not answer someone when they ask, if you are on the one asking, cut that shit out. This inquiry needs to go extinct, and we all need to agree for it to happen.

Can't wait to tell my next girlfriend about how perfect you felt from the inside, #14.

Can’t wait to tell my next girlfriend about how perfect you felt from the inside, #14.

This question is just one of the reasons ALL relationships are doomed in this Country. Because we set ourselves up for failure, and we fill ourselves full of information that only poisons us. How many relationships have you known that have begun with “tell me about any experiences you have had with special needs people?” I am not saying that as a crass joke, in total honesty, the answer to that question will tell you everything you need to know about that person in far more profound fashion than anything about how many times they had sex.

Special needs kids are amazing, and experiences with them are often profound, so if someone answered” Oh, you mean retards?” you know you have a classless asshole right off the jump. Yet, if they answer ” My family and I go to the special Olympics because our cousin is autistic and we like to cheer him on.” you instantly know a great deal about the depth of this person, as well as the warmth of their family. See what I mean? And that special needs question would make people’s eyes roll, yet “how many people have you let inside you and/ or been inside” gets no reaction whatsoever, there’s something wrong there, too.

Now do you see how fucked up we all are, and doomed for failure? We don’t want to know how many people you slept with for any other reason than we want it to eat at us, we want to doubt you, and we want to be able to use that very number against you, down the road, when it can benefit us best. It is the move of a sociopath, and only another sociopaths would perpetuate that cycle. It is proverbially building a SAW trap around you relationship, and then just waiting for it to snap and destroy you both at some point, later, when no one expects it.

I have actually had dates LESS troubling than this, TBH.

It should also be mentioned that a good, healthy relationship change the most wounded of us, so to hold prior indiscretions against someone who is completely on the verge of change is a great way to sabotage that change, and then blame it on that person. The truth is, we are who we WERE yesterday, and we are who we WILL BE tomorrow, but we are WHO WE ARE, today, right now, so why hold who we were back then against who we are now?  And on the other extreme, why ask that of anyone else when it will do nothing to benefit either of you?

Just something to think about.

Those walls weren't white a moment ago.

Those walls weren’t white a moment ago.

So, in essence, do not ask that question. It is not needed. Make sure you lover is disease free, and do that with open discussion. Make sure you know what pleases your lover by openly discussing it. But when it comes to what (or who) came before you, best just leave that alone. It doesn’t help either party, and inevitably either causes you to lie, or causes you to become upset.

So bookmark this page, and when someone asks you how many people you slept with, tell them to talk to your friend Remy, and pass them this article. Don’t worry, I got your back.